This morning I got a phonecall telling me one of my friends from home committed suicide...

There, I said it.

She's dead.

The words are dry in my mouth...Completly devoid of feeling;there's no attachment. It comes in waves-numbnesspainangernumbnesspainangernumbnesspainangernumbnesspainanger...When comes relief?

I feel like it's a sick joke, and praying it's just a rumor...An awful rumor that she'll call me crying about...

But she's wanted this for a long time, and I pray that she finally has the peace she always yearned for...I pray that her wings will allow her to rise much higher than the earth's gravity ever could...

20 is too young to die...I'm mad at you, Victoria. This is what you wanted, isn't it? You wanted love and attention so badly you'd die for it...We're all crying now...Loving,missing, and thinking only of you.I hope you can see us now...You were beautiful,you know...those big eyes,always so filled with pain... Your search for Christ was a long search, and you fell off the path sometimes, and you always wondered if He loved you. But you know for sure now, don't you? Jesus loves you,baby and so do we. We always have, Victoria. I always will.

It's almost five am, and I can't sleep...Everytime I close my eyes, I think about your body on the floor, and I wonder how you felt during you last concious moments before they found you... Were you scared? Elated? Satisfied? I pray to God you finally felt content, and at ease.

Last time I saw you, you were fine...You were going to church,eating again, and you weren't depressed...There was finally a light in your eyes and that void was gone. I thought it was for good this time...

You were so small, always wanting to inflict pain on yourself. We couldn't stop you, no matter how many times we had tried. I knew your secret, and I'll take it to the grave...

grave...the thought of your body in the ground makes me gag...

I love you, and I know in your final days I wasn't around, and I'm sorry... But words won't cut it now, will they? It's too late...I was too late and I'm sorry. But I'll always think of you, and your deep dimples and that crazy hat. I always hated that hat. But not you. I always loved you.

You're finally free,vicky. Go ahead and fly.

I'll see you again someday, in another time and in another place.