I was talking to my mother today and she jumped down my throat about talking about the band too much. i was offended, and i accidently started a statement like "as my mother you should... " needless to say she got seriously offended.

I dont think my mother realizes how embarrassing it is for my old friends to see me 50-60 lbs heavier than when they last seen me.. I dont go see them. I have been in hiding. Rheumatoid arthritis made me into something I am not.. a hermit.

I almost died when i saw my old bandmates a few weeks ago. What did they think? GOD how i miss being a size 14. They dont understand why i cant go running or i cant walk the mall for more than an hour on my feet because they hurt so much.. no body understands why I wont play my music. I cant even be seen on the stage this ugly and large. Its one thing to gain twenty thirty lbs, but fifty sixty is enough to make me sick.

I have been having heart palputations... and I think my body cant belive how much harder it has to work just to keep me alive. i can barely have intimacy with my bf because I constantly think about how disgusting I must be. (not that he is mr buff or anything) but looking at myself, sometimes I stop and want to just die because I look nothing like how I did.

last night I bought a pair of jeans in a size TWENTY.. that is sick. I have worked so hard before to go from a twenty down to a fourteen and now I am a twenty again. It wouldnt be so bad if i were halfway volumptuous.. but my gut is where all my weight is.

I have NO clothes that fit me anymore. I want to cry when i put on my old clothes and they are so tight.. I hate having to buy all new stuff. And the selection is awful.. they are all just big nasty tents. I ahd worked SOOO hard to loose sooo much weight to gain it back with a serious disease. Why am i b eing punished?

and my mom wants me to stop talking about this and wait til the summer== thhis is just the application process!!! No way will I stop working as hard as I can to make this happen. NOWAY. :eek: :mad: :mad:

Well I need to have blood labs and an EKG to move foward with all the stuff I need to do. (like the submission process!!) so I cant make it to toledo for all this stuff because of school so I am currently getting a new Doctor PCP

I have a list of about fifteen lady docs I wouldnt mind seeing. basically I need someone to run these tests.

*didnt get my endocrinologist reports in the mail yet

*need to send in for my five year PCP records from toledo (they require fifteen dollars from me!) I will probably do this tonight at the grocery store.

tommorrow I am calling to see which doc is accepting new patients and to confirm their med mutual carrier status. Once I can get those labs done, and my info forwarded I should be able to start the actual submission process

BTW, i think i will be able to come up with the six month dieting attempt records.

My family jumps down my throat too for taking about it so much... I don't guess they understand how hard it is and how much we just want to talk about it.