Update: March 14th

Been having a hard time. Been to the doctors alot.. Been having anxiety and depression. Prolly the hardest time I have had in a decade emotionally and financially, but definately not physically, I want to make that clear.

My Follow up, fill doctor who is less than an hour from me, totally accomodating and I have complete access to.. happens to have took a month long vacation/training that is out of the country and I happen to be having problems.. SO, I have been forced to try to get the care I need with my pcp, different urgent care doctors and at the ER.

This is actually gone very well IMO, BUt not the best.. But better than I could exspect, its still frusterating.. the whole situation.

My situation is that I was adjusted on jan. 31, and about a week later I was too tight and I blamed it on my menstral that came early and instead of a unfill, I knew with some steroid antiinflamitory (solumederol) I could ward off abuse of the band for the week or so.. It worked well.

Well, I have come to find out, its just too tight.. period.. and every little thing is inflaming it.. and NOW she is out of town till April.

I am forced to keep my infalamation down ON MY OWn,, for all this time..

ITS very hard.

Keeping my inflamation down, simply mean to keep from getting to the point or staying at the point of choking or spitting up my own saliva...

as long as I burp it or gurgle it and it opens up enough at night for liquids than ITS FINE..

BUT.. I have been puking for over a week.. everything.. and sometimes untill midnight and being up for hours.. Two drink of milk HAS to come up.

I still bring it up my self.. but that is cuz of the pressure.. and if I waitm its comes up with alot of slime just prooving my saliva was collecting as the liquid was stuck and IT NEEDED to come out.. I think its BAD" to make my self puke every thing out, but it doesnt come on its own, I can feel the pressure, I can feel my band being affected and with every swallow of saliva it build up more and I cant imagine keeping it in is the right thing to do.. I try to drink about once an hour,.. or have some soup when I am really getting hungry and frusterated and I have made a small habit of puking up every thing I ate..

So, FINALLY.. I decided enough is enough and I went again to ask for the solumederal.. (thing is they are hesitant to give it to me, cuz its not a good medicatiion for the obese or diabetic) PLUS they do not know the band and although it has always worked out.. I really avoid going as much as possible cuz its this big ordeal I JUST dont want to or like to have to do..

BUT I went again yesterday,.. I got the 125ml shot and FUCK, I should of NEVEr let my self PUKe for over a week ... There is a point where you get TOO inflamed where this treatment isnt going to work good enough...

The first time last month I went in, I was open in one hour and open for 3 days.. the second time I was open within a few hours and it lasted almost 2 days, NOW I couldnt drink without PUKING untill midnight.. then I took the two valium and then an hour later I coulnt drink again wihtout discomfort.

Well knowing the solumederal might not be working for me is only going to lead to an emergency type situation (if your fill doctor is out of town and you have no way to get to your band doctor) comletete UNFILL.. and the only option.. and they take it all out as they are not educated here to just take out the 1 or 2 cc's that would help me.

This all caused me a 3 hour long panic attack last night.. all this and a few other stressors.. When I got the solumederal.. I was called later and told my blood sugar was 303... THAT, plus all of its implications.. made me panic more and more by the minute and I ended up in the ER.

(I am ashamed and embarrassed.. I have a psychology degree and I understand how anxiety works when you have a malfunction in the brain, it makes things that normally you dont PANIC or FREAK out over.. BUt you cant help it either no matter how smart or level you think you are and it gets away with you.. out of controll... anyway.. I really hate that..

I feel horrible.. It doesnt help your healthcare to be known for this as everyone looks at you as a freak and your not taking seriously.. I have always hid my anxiety.. but the attatck last night was one of the worst I have ever had and the others I had I was already in the hospital.. this was the real first one at home..

All I could think about was how I CANNOT let my self get an emergency unfill.. it takes months to build that back up and MONEY I DONT have.. I have lost another 600$ a month in child support last month. (as I already lost 75% of my income in July).... anyway.. If I am down for 6 months.. I KNOW for a fact i will gain all 80 pounds back.. I am not being neggative, I KNOW it will happen cuz I know my self, I know my past habits and whats happened every time..

In order NOT to let this happen.. I MUST keep this inflamation at bay until APRIL ... I must have lots of solumederal till then..

I got my A1c level taken alittle over a week ago.. and it was 8.2

It was 8.2 a yr ago as well.. That means I run around an everage level of 160... THIS IS actully GOOD.. First, its the same as a year ago.. PLUS this is surprising low for a 400 pound person.. who lives on sugar.. I HAVE been very lucky and done pretty good about my diabeties compared to many,

BUT.. yesterday afternoon I was 303, last night I was 350, (doctors said so) and then I tested my self this morning and my monitor said 375..(I was certain it was stress that made me high, but this morning I was calm as a cucumber, I had two valium last night and I was Over it.. AND STILL THE HIGH numbers)

NEVER in my life have I EVER been this high.... (well only when I had back sugery and they said it was all cuz of stress,.,.as soon as I was home, it was back to around 150 and such again)

So.,. this is a huge factor in them giving me the solumederal....

PLUS they gave me liquid prednislone to keep the steroids high in mee...

The solumedraol didnt keep me open.. IT DID HELP alittle.. I can sip juice.. about 6 drink this morning and no need to puke it up (absolutely IMPOSSIBLE if I had not got the shot)

BUT it is impossible to drink the liquid.. I tried, one vile and I had to chase it with acidy OJ.. and I choked on it..

Soooooooooooooooooooooooo

I have an appointment tomarrow at 11am with my pcp..

THESE are MINE and HIS options:

#1... Let me come in every other day for a shot of steroidal antinflamitory. (or less as I see necessary, it is very obvious to me when I need it. I will not take anymore than is needed to stop the PUKINg and stop the choking on saliva) My guess would be 80 ml, or so...

OR let me take home the shots, I can easily give them to my self.. they dont hurt, they go in the vein or muscle and I perfectly capible..

This is neceassary as upon waking I CANNOT take the liquid.. I cannot take it all day in the anount necessary and at night MY only meal intake cannot be this liquid, plus chaser, AND it keeps you up ALL night long (it really makes me hyper and energetic like nothing else) and then I will sleep all day and then its this vicious cycle cuz it swells upon sleeping, so its INSANE to take it at night..

I must have shots in the AM.. TILL aprill...

My levels of 300 can be controlled with insolin for this time.. I was told by the ER doctor that people like me go years at levels of 300 every day and NO IT WILL NOT KILL ME or harm me much to be at this level for a month..

THERE is proof as of just a week ago I had my A1c levels taken, PROOVING I am NOT normally NOR have I been for long anywhere Near these levels..

My PCP has to care more about my band and my MORBID obesity and go against than a month long risk of the solumederal and diabeties he is used to protecting.. HE has to realize the BAND issues NEGATES this normal practice..

#2.... FIND someone who will take out 1 to 2 cc's in an 'emergency type' capacity as no one is trained OR they may not do it in any other capacity as malpractivce fears.. THE port is RIGHT there.. STICK a needle in and pull out a few cc's NOT ALL OF IT.. IS that a REMOTE possibilty??

#3.. Go to ER.. have them pull out all my Fill, as that is all they are really able to do, and are instucted to do.. once its an emergency where nothing can help me. A few cc's will not help anyway... A full unfill will be necesarry.. IF I am not helped.. I will end up having to do this within less than two weeks.. (and two weeks shy of getting my unfill I need)

Of course I am in favor of option one..

My appointment is tomarrow..

We will see..

I dont want to feel the emotions, the fear, the panic, the anxiety and the depression.. (that I know can lead to bad places) that I think will happen if he denies me.. I know what happened last night just comtemplating all these things.. Tomarrow it will be final..

I hate admitting so much weak ass shit.. But I made descisons about my life before I got the band.. this is about not being a burdon on my kids and my family.. Well, I am not going to stress today, so enough about that,.

I LOVE myself.. I DO I DO I DO...

I CAN get through this...

((((((((HUGS))))))))))))