Here I am, in the season of change/rebirth blah blah blah. I suck. I know, that's counterproductive, internal dialogue such as that can change the way you view the world and won't motivate change - again blah blah blah. I don't know why I am able to have this bizarre selective content ignorance about how things in my life are at the moment. When I have a moment of clarity, I look around my apartment right now and see a rug littered with crumbs and a coffee table ripe with old dishes, cigarette butts and junk. My dining room table is piled with all the things I deposit on my way in the door. My kitchen, which I painstakingly cleaned last week, is deep in rotting fruit and cheese, my fridge has several pots that have been marinating in their choice fuzzy molded over dishes for several months. My bedroom has nary a spot of open floor for all the clothes and crap. I come home early from work, I leave at a reasonable time in the morning. I have no excuse. Yesterday I came home at 4:00. Passed on a wine party with half formed delusions of accomplishing something. Instead I melted into TV/computer coma till bedtime, as I knew I would. I had this surgery because I was tired of the relentlessly inevitable frantic motivated "new plan" "life overhall" "lifestlye change" that always resulted in failure, a period of deluded "whatever" to be rinsed and repeated. Now I feel like I'd kill to have that kind of motivation again. I'm not the same person I was back then. I seem unable to even pretend to muster that degree of fervency. Now, I have this tool, more reason than ever to feel I will succeed, and I don't. Not that I haven't lost weight. If my highest was 285, I'm down 35lbs and that's something. But, it's been four and a half months. If I had used the time better I could have easily lost another 15. I just don't know what is wrong with me. Something is definitely wrong with me. I'm always letting life get away from me, I don't want to do the things that aren't fun. I ignore the things that have to be done so that I can sit and stare at a TV and pretend they don't exist. When I'm at work, all I think about is getting home to smoke and watch tv and do nothing. I am numb. I don't want to be numb anymore. I want to take care of things, be ahead of the game. I want to succeed damnit. But instead I just rot and get older and don't achieve any of the things that really matter. I know improving yourself is supposed to be about you, not wanting external things. But really, I want to find a man who I love and would settle down with. I don't really feel confident that I can get as much quality with what I'm carrying around right now. I strongly believe that the sooner I get thinner, the sooner I can attract the kind of man I would want to marry. Yet I sit. I want to have a clean and organized apartment, I want to be someone who washes their sheets more often than every six months. Yet I sit. I want to cook healthy meals and become more compliant with this band. Yet I sit. Why, because it's easy. I've become incredily complacent in my actions, yet internally still want all kinds of things that require hard work and motivation. I only seem to have that in burst form, nothing sustainable. Can that be changed, it it programed somewhere in me? How do I change it? I guess I just suck it up and do it, but I've never been able to before. I guess everything comes one day at a time. I've never really suceeded at those kinds of things. Instead I do big tests that I cram for in a burst of motivation, call nights that come in one big chunk. I can't even remember to regularly take medicine every day, forget vitamins. My inclination is to get excited and say, okay - I will fix this today. I will clean everything, wash everything, plan the perfect grocery list. Make the perfect meals today. I will make a list of things to do and check them off one by one. But tomorrow there will be new things, and the next day and the next day. I can't ever really get ahead of life. Burying my ass in the couch and resting saying "ah, finally it's all done." Never going to happen. I cringe at the thought. There will always be something I have to take care of. How does everyone else do it? It overwhelms me. I suppose I can think of my strengths and incorporate them into a strategy? Fuck it. :angry

What can I do today, that's all I can think about right now.

Today:

I can: Clean up my kitchen in probably about 30 minutes. I can take out the garbage and probably even muster the strength to clean out a few of the nasy fridge pots.

I can: Tidy and vacuum my living room

I can: Find my Step 3 registration and put postage on it and put it in a mailbox.

I can: Tidy the bathroom

I can: Do a couple loads of laundry

I can: Put the registration sticker on my car.

I can: Go get a new DVD player

I can: Buy a dresser

I can: Go grocery shopping after deciding on food for the week.

I can: write a thank you letter to penny

I can: sit on my ass all day and do nothing

I can: exercise

So I transferred these things to a list. I can get through all this in the next two days. However, afterwards, there will be more laundry and more cleaning and more crappy tasks. It will never all be done for good.

Ok, so now I have to take action. I don't generally start doing that until I can somewhat visualize a course of events. I can get up, stretch, go put on my comfy jeans and a nice casual top. I can go to dunkys and to get cigs, get some preliminary groceries. In the mean time, putting the sticker on my car. (If it's still there, I have some doubt as I've heard a cacophany of car alarm in the past half hour). I could also find my usmle thing and mail it on the way down. In fact, I could also start a load of towels/sheets on my way. So, amended plan....

Get dressed, put on makeup. Gather a load of towels and sheets, put dryer sheets in purse. Find my uslme thing and put it in an envelope with postage. Go downstairs, drop off the laundry, go to dunkins and get coffee, walk up to the quick-e-mart and get a three pack of cigs. Go to harvest market and get some preliminary groceries. Come back and switch laundry load using handy dryer sheets that I've already got with me. Go upstairs and put in the ipod, you have an hour to clean kitchen and empty out nasty pots before laundry is done.