march 14

Sometimes you have to laugh when you really want to cry. I have really been taking a tough look at myself recently. Asking myself the hard questions that I always seem to want to avoid, not because I dont know the answers but because the answers tend to hurt too damn much.

Tammy why have you allowed yourself to get so big, you know there is heart diease in your family, you know you lost your dad when he was 36 to a massive stroke, you know what fast food and sweets along with bread is doing to your body, do you want to die?

Has anyone ever told you, "you can control the way you feel, you decide everyday when you get up whether or not your going to be happy or sad? I know they meant well, but did they not see all they were doing was making me feel like more of a failure.

God I know I am suppose to be in control of my body and my mind so why do I fail at both?

Ever been out some where actually having a good time and all of a sudden catch a glimpse of yourself in a window or a mirror? For me it is liking someone slapping me in the face saying " what are you doing having a good time, look at you". So I put on the fake smile and try to continue to have a good time.

You know I have thought about seeing a shrink but unless he or she has been where I have I just dont see how they can help me, oh and give me something for depression, been there and done that with all the wonderful side effects.

How did Oprah do it, she was abused as a child, and had some major issues in her life, so lets take away her millions, how does a working class woman do it?