March 13

Today is Monday, it has to be the longest day of the week!! I did have one very nice surprise this morning, I got some very kind and heartfelt replies from a post that I had made about gaining weight.

I was too busy this morning to have any breakfast so about 10:00 my tummy was growling pretty good, so what did I do, I went to the office's vending machines and bought some cheetoes, now thats something you want to eat while your tryin to loose weight. Then for lunch I got sweet n sour chicken , no rice but broccoli. I havent done rice since having my band due to fear. I wished I could say that about carbs and chocolate too. Fear is a powerful emotion, it can make a grown man cry and a fat woman give up pork fried rice.

A list of some things I fear....

Not living to see my girls grown and with kids of their own

Never being healthy again

Always having to use a wheelchair to go to the grocery store or mall

Resturant booths

Flying because of the small seats

looking into a mirror

loosing my hair

loosing my teeth

sagging skin (not normal but the kind that requires surgery)

heart attacks

strokes (lost my dad when he was 36 to a stoke, he wasnt heavy)

crowded rooms

small dressing rooms

formal events

OMG and the list could go on and on, so what does this say about me? Do I live in fear every day, of course I do, do I think about atleast one of these things every day, YES!

So I sit and wonder am I over weight due to my fears or are my fears due to me being over weight. Worrying cant be good for a person like me, they say stress kills and man oh man do I feel stressed. Funny ya know what helps ease that stress, FOOD, and then afterwards I thinking about having that heart attack or having to go clothes shopping.

Will this cycle ever end????