Ok... so I am definately not all "Whoa is me"... and I'm not looking for sympathy... it's just that there's something cathertic about getting your thoughts down... admitting your deepest darkest secrets is the first step, right?? So, I am writing today about addiction.

In the past few days a cousin of mine overdosed on narcotics.. she died. She was the same age as myself. I never knew her, but hearing of her death got me seriously thinking about addiction.

Me, who turns her nose up at those addicted to smoking, considers myself much better than the drunks in the local bar, and repeatedly tells myself that drug addicts are beneath me... how could anyone be so recklessly self indulgent.. How could.. wait... I am an addict.

I am addicted to eating. Grocery shopping for me consists of three groups: the bags that of 'healthy' foods that I will bring into the house and put away, the junk foods that I will hide in the car beneath a coat or box to be taken out and put away later while my husband is at work, and the bag of stuff that I will eat on the way home, stopping by the 7-11 up the road from me to dump the 'evidence'....

I think about food constantly... my husband telling me a story about a meeting at work... most wives would ask what the meeting was about. I ask "Did they serve you lunch?", "What did you have?", "How much did you eat"... "Was it good?"... Now, some of that is that I LOVE to cook, and most of all, I like to please my husband, and cook foods that he'd enjoy eating.. but most of my questioning is self indulgent.

I am fastinated by the way 'normal' people eat... how they can leave food on there plate... skip dessert... skip dinner because they had a big lunch.. My husband is one of those people. He is normal weight, has a healthy attitude about food, exercises regularly, and doesn't eat when he's not hungry..

Hey wait.. I don't eat when I'm not hungry.. it's just that I AM hungry all the time... at least, that's what I tell myself. I make myself THINK I am hungry. When really I just want to eat. I think 'wanting to eat' is different from being hungry.. but I don't allow myself to know that.

So, I'm feeling down on myself because I ate a whole package of oreos yesterday. I've been really good and haven't eaten crap in a while... and after I ate them, and even WHILE I was eating them... I felt incredibly bloated and uncomfortable.. the taste was good.. but afterwards I had the worse stomach ache EVER.. and I pretty much passed out on the couch for the rest of the night (until it was time for me to do my workout, while watching the sopranos)..

I totally know I need therapy.. but, do you know how hard this stuff is to admit to someone... I know I shouldn't eat a whole box of oreos (which, by the way, was 12 servings... 24 cookies). I know I shouldn't eat in private, or offer to go pick up dinner for the family so that I can order an extra meal for myself to eat on the way home. I am well aware of the effect it is having on my body... and on my self esteem. I do not have any reason, that I know of to eat like this.. other than that is how my family ate.. (I remember my dad eating straight from the fridge late at night).. It is something I am working on. I think an HONEST food diary will help. I've done food logs in the past, for various diets, but only wrote what I ate in front of other people..

I will promise to food log, and if that isn't effective, I will bite the bullet and start therapy..... ick.