So after my revelation yesterday, I had my weekly therapy session. 

I have been going to therapy for almost a year now, mainly to help with my PTSD, and now moreso to address some of my trauma when it comes to my weight, and how that effects my emotional eating. 

I brought up my thoughts to my therapist, and she agreed that it is self-perception, not how my loved ones are seeing me. I'll be the first to admit, that I don't particularly like being emotional in front of other people, and in the entire year I have been attending therapy, I have only cried in front of my therapist 2-3 times. I found it quite hard to hold back the tears during this session (though that didn't stop me) - I realised that I  have only really scratched the surface of the trauma I have from past relationships, and how that has completely tattered my self-image. 

More than anything, I realise that now more than ever, I need to address this as I approach the beginning of my weight loss journey. 

It is becoming more and more apparent, as everyone says, that surgery really is just a tool. It will give me that initial kick to lose weight so that I see the physical benefits: I will be in less pain, more able to get up and move about, more energy. I will *hopefully* feel more positive in myself and more confident. But the rest of the work, well, surgery can't do that for me. I am  responsible for changing my behaviour & attitude, and I think for me at least that starts with being kinder to myself. 

I can't remember a time where I have been kind to my body, in how I treat it, and how I think about it. 

I realise that if I want to be successful on this journey, I need to work on me as a whole, body and mind, or else success isn't something I'll be able to achieve. Old habits would creep in, and my expectations would be too high. 

I am now attempting to drop the mindset of: "when I am skinny everyone will love me, and they will all treat me better and I will be an amazing person" - because truly, that has been my internal narrative, and I didn't see it as a negative until the other day. I need to rework it into: "I am me now, and I will be the same person on the inside even when I have lost weight. Those who I care about already love me and treat me with respect and care, and anyone who doesn't, isn't deserving of knowing me. Regardless of if I am 20 stone, or 11 stone. I am worthy of love".

So, time to put my words into action 🤞🌸