I almost gave up...again. I almost decided that my health wasn't worth waiting another month. I almost did, but I didn't this time. An inconvenience that would not phase almost anyone else made me second guess myself for the billionth time. But this time I stuck with it, even though I was disappointed, even though deep down I wanted to use the fact that my first (of seven) doctor supervised “diet” appointments was made into a telehealth appointment that I subsequently did not attend due to some idiocy on my part and therefore had to push my timeline back another month. I wanted to give up, I wanted to cancel every single appointment the bariatric department had made me already. But rational, 30-year-old Amanda kept focused that it was a minor setback, easily remedied by making an appointment for October for the last visit. Also, my first doctor supervised appointment was last week and it was in clinic, gained 7lbs(I call them pandemic pounds -_-) and forgot how much I like my doctor! Actually had a conversation about what changes to make, how things were going and goals for my next visit! Also also, today is my 90 day mark of having quit smoking! WOOHOO! 

I am in the process of making a playlist for days like that(because really, the most doubt was only around for at most a day or two) to get me through the self doubt of my decision even though for 99.999% of the time I am 120% committed to doing this for me. No pressure from anyone else, no real (or imagined)judgment(s) from others to do what I feel like they want me to do. This is on me. A playlist that will incite courage and faith in the journey, to remind me that the process isn't a sprint but a marathon that must be paced accordingly. --If you have suggestions, I'd love them!---

I did my psych evaluation today. Going into it not knowing what to expect was only mildly nerve wracking. The possibility the answers I gave on a 300 some odd questionnaire with stupid statements will preclude me from having surgery does weigh on part of my mind. And let me reiterate the stupidity of the questions, many of which could easily be changed from 'true' to 'false' and vice versa depending on my mood or how my day had been going. If that is how it goes, then I guess that is how it goes. And plan B will have to be found—Mexico maybe?

Each month I am trying to focus on changing a habit, getting into a new mindset. I have incorporated more water and protein. This month (after being weighed at +7lbs than my last weight at my doctor's visit) I have re-started logging food and am gradually cutting out the sugar(cookies, candy etc). My highest weight used to be 320, now, with embarrassment it is 347. I was speechless and upset. I luckily do not have any comorbidities...right now...and like I told a coworker, play with fire for to long and you will get burned. In my case, I'm going to get burned badly. With diabetes and high pressure lurking in my family lines it is only a matter of time not to mention my poor knees.

That's all the musings I have for tonight.

Have courage, keep the faith,

Amanda