The closer I get to completing the hurdles before surgery, the more I start to wonder about the rest of my life after I have the surgery.  What am I going to be eating?  Will I need to do a complete lifestyle change, or just build on the lap band as a kick in the ass?  Will I have to re-vamp my entire eating practices, or will the reduction in caloric intake from a much smaller stomach push my weight loss ahead until I'm ready to be more serious?  I don't mean to imply that I'm NOT serious about making lifestyle changes.  I mean,.... do I need to start off almost immediately with tons of exercise, water, clean foods, etc., or is calorie reduction enough for a start, and then I build?  Also, what's my diet going to look like the first few weeks after surgery?  Is it liquid? Mushed foods?  Solids?  Do I need to concentrate on tons of protein, and have no carbs?  These are all questions for my surgeon at my next visit.

I'm also feeling like my time is almost up.  A lot of us do this before a "diet" - practically gorge ourselves, as if we can somehow feel less deprived later knowing that we have had more than enough of what we wanted before the diet.  It doesn't work that way, I know.  I feel like I should be dieting now.  And yet, I don't want to.  It can all be very confusing.  It doesn't seem like it should be, but it is, just the same.  I've often watched shows like, "My 500 Pound Life" and watched the people gorge themselves on burgers and fried food as they drive cross-country to get to their bariatric surgeon.  I've wondered why they do this.  Now I know why.  Because they will shortly be losing the ability to eat this way - this way that they love.  And they're trying to say goodbye at the last possible moment.  Considering how dangerously obese these people are, it seems counter-intuitive - and it IS.  But here I am, following suit.  People seem to understand more than I think they should, though.  I've had several people tell me not to get my surgery until after Thanksgiving - so I can enjoy that holiday.  I'm not listening.  I'd love to be losing weight during the holidays for a change.

Will I still be able to enjoy my food later?  Will my habit of using food as a form of entertainment (going out to dinner) be gone?  Will I find that there's a gaping whole in my life where that "hobby" used to be?  Or will I still be able to be excited about food, but just have leftovers for days?  It's as if I want a magic pill - I don't want anything to change, but I want my body to look different than it does now - and feel different.  Will I need to learn how to shop different, cook differently, change my entire world.  Part of me wants to hear "no".  The other part of me really wants to hear that yes - everything will change.  Because I know I'd feel better if it did.

What will I look and feel like a year after surgery?  18 months?  Two years?  Will I wish I'd just gotten it all done sooner?  Will I feel like I've given up enjoying food, but not had that result in as much weight as I'd wanted it to?  Will I regret this decision to get the Lap-Band?  Or will I be full of energy, have my knees hurt less and be able to move more and enjoy new things I haven't been able to do happily for years now?  I guess it's not just a surgery - it's an adventure.  One with an as-of-yet unwritten ending.