Well my fears were confirmed yesterday, I have gained 10 lbs since I have started back eating. I mean who was I fooling, I have been eating snickers, bites of carmel, dinner mints and anything else that tempted me. Did I think for one minute that the scales would lie to me, no, but I kinda hoped that since I only ate like 4 fun size bars instead of the one king size I would have normally had that some how it would be OK.

I told myself on the way home in the car, this is it, I will start following the diet to a tee, I mean I went through major surgery to get here and look at what I am doing. I was sooooo ill and moody all day yesterday, I was mad and disappointed in myself. So this morning I get up and do a weight watchers english muffin with the heart healthy butter, and a cup of def coffee with splenda and benefiber. yeah I know, where is the the protein, sigh. Then I get to work and 2 hours later my stomach is growling. I am still very moody and ill but work was busy today so I was able to ignore the hungry, but then my feelings get hurt at work and what do I do, I go to McDonalds for lunch and have a double cheese burger and 4 piece chicken nuggets , nope no fries. What did I tell myself while I ate it, I am having my first fill on March the 24 and this might be last time I get to eat fast food for a while, what a damn joke!!!!!!!!! I am right back to my old habbits, my feelings were hurt and I dulled the pain with food. Is there any help out there for people like me? Some days I wish there was this magical pill I could take and never want to eat again, oh if ur reading this I am sure you have too or know someone who has. What makes us different from the normal size people out there, is it that we truly lack the will power to say no when enough is enough, or is it true that we have a disease and its not our fault. I smoked for year but quit cold turkey, why cant I just stop over eating, it sounds sooo simple. Put what you are suppose to eat on your plate and when it is gone you stop. It doesnt take a genius to figure that out, so why is it soo damn hard? I know I am not alone but I feel alone.

Why do I write in this journal? Cause I hate someone that is wooo is me and I think that is what I have become, Poor little Tammy she cant stop eating, she cant lose weight, well stop freaking eating and you can! I pray months from now, I had orginally said years and deleted it, I look back at this journal and say "you did it, you went through hell and kept going, you didnt stop , and you didnt give-up. I keep telling myself tomorrow is another day and tomorrow you will stay to ur diet and things will get better, but will tomorrow ever come?