My weight has been the one thing I can't really control in life. 

I come from a long line of tall, big-boned giants in my family. (Seriously, my dad is a non-athlete and needed a knee replacement the size of a football player's.) I am 5'9 and have always had long legs and curves, even at my highest weight. I developed earlier than other girls when I was in my teens, and owned a size 12 (Between 165-185 lbs) until my sophomore year in college.  I've always loved my body and felt that it was beautiful even if I was more voluptuous than other girls in school. 

During college I ate more. I discovered that beer and wine were good. (You know, before you realized they contained boat loads of empty calories?) My sleep patterns changed and the stress of tests, papers and social life added up-- and so did the pounds. By the time I graduated I was larger (Size 18-20, 240-260 lbs) but still had my curves. Dieting became more of a priority now, but the dieting almost made it worse. I would lose weight, regain. Cut carbs, try intuitive eating, then go to a doctor, go to the gym and try to get on a new plan, try the South Beach Diet, Eat Vegetarian... you get it? Right? 

I felt like my energy was sucked up with trying to lose the pounds and it was discouraging thinking about it. I worked hard at my career while still trying to work out and eat less carbs. I was supervised by a doctor, personal trainer and nutritionist-- but somehow I just couldn't stop the lose and regain cycle I had started. Every time I stepped on the scale, I was more than 20 lbs heavier than the last time. I wore nice clothes to the office, but as my weight creeped higher and higher-- my heels got lower and lower-- because my sitting and walking posture were losing strength. I felt my muscles weaken and it was weird for me. (By this time, I was about 300-320 lbs.) 

I added more time in the gym to help keep me active and to prevent myself from becoming completely glued to my office chair or in meetings. I gave up alcohol and only drank water.For a year and a half before my wedding, I worked out 4-5 days a week (cardio and strength). My diet was balanced, (whole grain, lean meats, vegetables, occasional treats) but between working out, going to work 40-55 hours a week-- I ate way more when I came home. Not out of stress, but because I felt HUNGRY. No fast foods, no crazy fried foods-- just balanced meals choices... but HUGE portions. I ended up losing 5 pounds in a year and a half for my wedding. Then gaining 15 while on my honeymoon-- my highest weight. (376 lbs.) 

So let's fast forward to today: I am a successful profession in marketing. I have some competitive skills and work well with others. I am able to look people in the eye with the same confidence I have always had. I love myself, and I love my life. I just want to be a winner of my own health, too. I am working out in the gym still, eating a balanced diet, now reducing my portions and I weighed in today at 358 lbs. I am currently at a size high 24 and low 26. I still wear heels to work, but low ones. I am at a point where I can walk up and down stairs, quickly through hallways and to my car with a bit of a heavy breath-- but still doable. My chair is snugger than I would like it to be, but it works. I pass on the endless parade of employee birthday cakes, but still participate in the celebrations. 

My struggle now is trying to control the urge to eat at night and keep my calories in check. It's hard. It's hard not to be tired after work. It's hard to be as focused on my duties, be a leader and ensure I take care of my body with the proper nutrients and exercise it needs. I have some aches that I didn't have before. My lower back gets tight and my joints crack more. This is a new development and one of the reasons I am moving forward with the VSG surgery. Working out IS HARDER at this weight, and it still feels like I am not getting anywhere. However, I am staying positive no matter what.

I have decided that I am going to take control and apply this tool (the VSG, is a tool-- not a cure-all) to my gym routine and eat like my nutritionist instructs. Protein, small amounts, stay away from those starchy carbs. I only drink water and iced coffee with a little light cream in the morning. I am already learning to love my scale and thinking of it as a unit of measurement. (The same way I would measure success at work.) I can still be my big-boned, tall self at work-- I just need some help and taking these next steps will help me do that. 

Anyone else struggle with the weight and work? (In the office or at home?) I'd love to hear about it. I will continue to write more. The good, the bad and the UGLY It's here we can all share these experiences and learn from each other.