Well, again I feel obligated to comment on the fact that I haven't been journalling. Whatever, I haven't felt like it. I look at the notebook fairly often and have romanticized visions of sitting down and really pondering the meaning of life and banding. Then I smoke and ph and watch tv. That's about all I do. I sit at work all day counting down the hours until I can go home to do more of it. It does nothing for me. But then I think, what else is there to do. Go for a walk, nah. Exercise, nah. Be social, nah. I'll just sit on my ass. I don't know why I'm so broken that way. I imagine all the normal people out living their lives and I think about how much of mine has been wasted. I think I figure that my life is on hold now, I'll start doing all that fun stuff later when weight isn't an issue. I think I've been in a sort of half reality since banding. Not really realizing what this change could mean for me. I could actually not be fat anymore. Even as I type that I don't understand what it means. I hear it in my mind and still just don't grasp it. It's the more likely than not reality of this surgery. Mostly I think, what will others say. How do I explain looking like a sharpei puppy? Almost makes me wonder if keeping some flub on will fill out the sags better. Silly. But anyways. I went in for my second fill the Wednesday before last. I got another half cc or so, bringing my grand total to 2cc. It's been very effective. I feel restriction in the form of golf balls now. I have learned through several attempts, that chips (doritos in particular) will not be part of my future. Also most breads have given me some trouble especially in the morning. I made a grilled ham and cheese this evening and dipped it in copious amounts of horseradish and light sour cream. After one bite I got the short term golf ball, it passed quickly. The worst are the 15 minute golf balls where I have to go hide somewhere as it's sooooo uncomfortable. I have been able to successfully eat chicken and most everything else I've tried. I have been drinking with most of my meals and I need to work on that. I haven't really paid attention to feelings of fullness. However, when I ate that grilled cheese it was in quarters and after two of them I sort of took a break. Then had one more quarter and really was full. I have much less desire to eat. The area that needs the most improvement are the "extras." I am back to drinking coffee and I find that my hand keeps reaching for the cream. I still want cookies or some kind of treat with every meal. I'm also not keeping up with protein, but am realizing that I never got the required protein any other time in my life either. Not that it makes it any more acceptable. So today, for breakfast I had one packet of oatmeal with whole milk, DOH! Then at lunch I had a chicken fajita and I just ate the chicken and veggies from inside, and asked for it with no rice. I had some sour cream mixed with salsa on it, but only a few tablespoons. THen I ate a pack of snackwell cookies and a little bit of apple juice. For a snack I had an iced coffee and two small oatmeal cookies. For dinner I had three quarters of that grilled swiss and ham sandwich. That was it. I don't feel hungry. Scale wise, it's been varying. I didn't have as big a drop as last time. I'm also on my period so water weight should be coming off shortly. I've been hovering aroudn 253, but its weird. I get on once and its 256 again and its 254 then 253.something that rounds it up but I ignore it. So, my main goal is to be in the fourties by the time I go home. If I could be 247 it'd be a miracle. Then I'd have technically lost 40lbs. If I can keep weight off while I'm home that would be the real miracle. Everything we do is food focused and with two birthdays I don't really know what to expect. Dad will be judgemental and I will want UDF, probably in reverse order. Exercise needs to become a committment. I haven't a single excuse that holds water at the moment. My schedule is beyond light and I could be at that gym almost every day of the week. I hope that on child I can get back in the habit. But of course there's no reason I can't get back in the habit next week when I'm on night shift for that matter. I like going, It's not embarassing. I don't love that I might run into Karen's son. But oh well. By the way, I think Karen had lap band. I can't be absolutely sure, but I'm fairly certain. I heard a nurse ask her several times how she was doing with her "fill." And she has talked frequently about weight loss. Oddly I feel a bond, and almost want to tell her. But then I think again. She is anything but trustworthy and has access to everyone I work with. Mmmm, think I will not share personal details with passive aggressive neurotic jewish lady who seems anti-resident. I would really like to be sharing things with Angie, but since she completely blew me off last weekend for the third time I think?, I will have to keep it between me and the keyboard. I just want to call her and yell at her, but what can I do. She knows she done wrong.

So, as for the near future and my goal of dropping six pounds in 9 days, probably not going to happen. But, if the water weight is yet to come, it's feasible that I could hit the 40's.

First challenge: Call tomorrow

It's a Saturday, argh. But I work with CG who should be a very nice resident to work with, bonus. I am afraid I will use my meal card to it's full evil potential and eat nothing but frozen yogurt. I have found that if that's all I really want, that's all I should get. But really I should just skip it.

I will have a nice breakfast, maybe oatmeal or eggs. Then go to work with the goal of getting a healthy lunch. There are limited options down there. But I could go with a piece of fruit, yogurt, grab some expensive soy drinks or whatever. For protein I could try to get a grilled chicken sandwich or veggie pattie. Will not be getting doritos. For dinner, I can do the same. It's so freakin boring.

So, goal is to get through call without cookies or other sweets. Could replace frozen yogurt with fruit popcicles? Cookies with snackwells.

Then I have no reason all day Sunday to avoid the recumbent bike. Even if I get no sleep what so ever, I could sleep for four or five hours sunday and then hit the bike. I also desperately need to do laundry and get my clothes/room in order. Monday I'm on nights so I can easily work out that day.

OK, now I'm getting tired and my rant must come to a close.

Overall conclusions:

1. Stop drinking with your meals idiot.

2. Don't eat bad foods in the cafeteria

3. Stop making excused about exercising.

4. Try to get as close to the 40's as you can by April 8th.

5. Stay calm and resilient on call, you have to do what they tell you and you have to be there. Just agree to be working hard for 24 hours and expect nothing less. That's your job and you chose it damnit. It will be much worse next year.

6. Yay, you have restriction.

7. Yay, you've lost at least 30lbs.

8. Yay, you journalled.

9. Yay, you get to go to sleep now!

:clap2: