Towards the end of February, I went to the psych eval, the one appointment that I was not looking forward to.

I tried to find someone on my list of in-network physicians who would complete the mental health screening. Every mental health provider I called was unwilling. I went through 20 listings before giving up and scheduling something off insurance with the onsite psychiatrist for my hospital.

I work graveyard shift, and her schedule was very packed, so I was awake most of the day, waiting in the office for her to get to me. I was hoping to slip in between scheduled appointments to get seen early, but luck was not on my side.

The receptionist kept telling me that they couldn't take me early- I told her that I understood, but if I went home, I would sleep. And if that happened, they made it very clear that they would bill me anyway.

When I finally got to see her, I was made to take a 200+ question test about random life aspects and opinions. My test focused somewhat on religion. How people feel better and find more support with religion and their faith guides them through tough times.

I answered the equivalent of "does not describe me" for these types of questions, as I don't really identify with religion, despite living in the bible belt.

When it was time for her to go over my questions, I was feeling manic and dizzy from lack of sleep and food. I was chatty and found her concern over my non religiousness a bit annoying. I also found that she was not impressed with my belief that everyone should have healthcare. When I explained that my husband was still on my insurance, even though we are going through a separation and I'm with someone else, she seemed concerned. I attempted to make it clear that this was in line with my belief that everyone deserves healthcare access and if I kicked him off my insurance, he would not be able to afford his medication.

She wrapped up our meeting and suggested that I seek further counsel from a different source, as it would be a conflict of interest for her to see me again for this.

I felt upset and helpless. I hate trying to convince someone I'm normal and sane through a test and 30 minutes of conversation. Especially when it seems that the opinions of the physician are tingeing their assessment.

I was assigned 3 additional counseling sessions and I chose a person practicing close to the hospital that was available. He was able to schedule all of my sessions within 2 weeks of my initial evaluation, so it would not impact my overall schedule for surgery.

I felt much more on edge now. When I went to his sessions, I generally let the silence stretch until he began to talk. It was like we were both testing the waters and I wasn't about to start the conversation. The last thing I wanted was to be assigned more sessions and risk my surgery date being pushed back.

When he asked questions, I answered fully to the extent of my belief. He seemed a little more accepting of my atheism and "socialist" viewpoints.

He assigned me reading and a questionnaire asking about what my goals are. I felt a little annoyed about being given homework like this. It felt like I was doing things that I view as unnecessary.

Like, I'm paying you to give me homework?

The reading was a book about codependency- from the 80's. The author made several contradictory points about the subject and the majority of the material was about being in a codependent relationship with a drug addict. I felt it wasn't relevant to me and I felt more than a little offended that he thought I needed tips on not controlling others with money and expecting love in return.

I agonized about the homework questions. It felt like being in an interview and being asked what your biggest flaw is for the first time- and you have to paint this picture of "well golly, I guess it's my honesty and integrity." Basically "my flaw is not really a flaw, now let me dazzle you with my wordplay." What should I write? Was this sounding too "codependent"?

I felt like I couldn't answer honestly with my first choice of words because it would be misconstrued. I still told the truth, I just felt that I had to be selective about wording and what I felt.

The second session I made a point that I was not codependent with my ex- I just honestly believe that he should have access to his rather expensive medication without going into debt. He was not asking me to keep him on my insurance, nor was this something I was doing to keep him indebted to me.

My point was made and the therapist said he didn’t see any reason why I shouldn’t be allowed to have the surgery.

The last visit consisted of me waiting for him to talk and trying to remain as level as possible. I didn’t want to seem too happy that I was done with our little chats.

It’s silly, but I felt awkward- like I was breaking up with him.

My schedule has not been interrupted. I’m still scheduled for 04/17!