I have looked into weight loss surgery three times in the last 18 months.  Vacillating between types of surgeries, buying new gym equipment, or trying to find a new diet. I have a small room full of exercise equipment and every cookbook from Atkins to Zen diet. Finally, while up at an abnormally late hour with my dog, I took an online seminar required prior to a free initial consultation with a surgeon. It was the beginning of a new year and what did I have to lose? If they called me to schedule I could just say "no thank you" if I decided this was a middle of the night pipe dream. The next day they called and instead of avoiding the call, like I almost always do, I answered it. 

I scheduled my free initial consultation during the second week of February and I went. It was a pleasant meeting with the surgeon and the insurance specialist. I walked away with a lot of fears eased - specifically cost. The surgeon even said that I may be a good candidate for outpatient surgery if I did well with program compliance to help ease any out-of-pocket expenses I may incur after my insurance limit. While this is something I'm not banking on, it's encouraging to say the least. 

I walked out with a checklist of things do schedule and orders for blood work and an initial home sleep study. I was motivated to get started on this journey that has been years in the making. 

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I was billed "chubby" by my own overweight mother as a child or "big-boned." I slimmed down significantly in high school while maintaining some sharp curves and slimmed down even more in college when I found intramural sports I enjoyed playing. I think it's valuable to briefly share my journey from the past 10 years to show how I reached my decision to have the surgery.

An accidental pregnancy at the age of 22, just as I had started graduate school, was a major turning point. My now husband and I made some significant lifestyle changes to welcome our baby into the world, only to discover at around 20 weeks my placenta had abrupted and our boy lost his life. I had to undergo a D&E and find a way to move on. Moving on proved to be another pregnancy very shortly after the loss. Becoming pregnant with my daughter made it seem to my body as though I had been pregnant for well over a year as opposed to a typical 9 months. I was watched very closely and modified activity throughout my pregnancy. She made her appearance several weeks early in late January of 2008. Healthy, but small. I had not emotionally recovered from initial loss and I suffered from post-partum depression for a time.

Breastfeeding proved difficult due to her tiny mouth and poor latch and a serious case of mastitis did our breastfeeding journey in. So, I didn't reap the benefits of weight loss from breastfeeding, as I would my son later and I just settled for being heavier. I was too busy with work, being a new young mom, and generally finding myself to really take care of myself from a physical standpoint. 

I was just stuck as a heavier person. My weight creeped up very gradually and would occasionally yo-yo when I would put in effort with a new diet here or weight watchers there, or that time I bought a new treadmill and a month in it became a new clothing rack. It was frustrating never seeing the results I wanted to see.

My husband and I married when my daughter was nearly 4 in late December of 2011. It wasn't what I had in mind, I had visions of eloping. But, family wishes got in the way of my plans and we were married in a very small church service with immediate family present only. My fondest memory of that day is the way my daughter looked and her tight grip on my hand as she helped my dad walk me down the aisle. Pictures of myself from that day are kept hidden. I tried to become smaller in the months leading up to my wedding, but it was frustrating and I couldn't even be proud of what little weight I had lost.

My wedding bands stopped fitting about 4 months after our wedding and they still don't fit. I've never had them re-sized because I was always hopeful and trying to lose weight.  I became pregnant with our son and another difficult pregnancy ensued. This time I developed tachycardia and spent 80% of my pregnancy sitting or on bed rest. I remember first noticing the issue at my sister-in-law's wedding, just 6 weeks pregnant or so. The room became extremely warm, my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest and I was so dizzy. I sat at a table and I thought about how I didn't feel right. My son was born healthy and strong 9 months later in December of 2012. During that time, I gained and gained because I was limited on mobility and I filled emotional voids with food. My husband lost a lot of weight while I was pregnant and that was so frustrating for me.

I nursed my son for a year and during that time, weight melted off of me. I got down to a weight that I was able to feel good about exercising again, so I took up running again. I don't remember exactly why I stopped, but I did. I also gave up the mostly vegetarian diet. I yo-yo dieted for the next few months, waking up late and making up excuses as to why I wasn't going to go to the gym one day to the next. In the summer of 2014 I had my gallbladder removed and I seemed to pack on the pounds even more afterwards.

I thought something was wrong with me. I requested my doctor do lab work for thyroid. Everything always came back fine. I was sent to an Endocrinologist to make sure, but it turned out I was just obese and needed to "try harder" at losing the weight. I feel like I've been trying hard to lose weight for years.

In 2016 I started to read about people who had lost weight through bariatric surgery. Twice I half-heartedly looked into it, but would choose instead to take a spin class for a few weeks or go on a new diet like Whole30. I would lose a few pounds, but nothing that motivated me to stick with it. 

This year, a few weeks away from turning 33 as I write this, feels different to me. I need to lose weight. I feel the weight of my body more than ever. I'm in pain physically and emotionally because I'm stuck in a body that limits me from living my fullest life. My kids are 9 and 4 and I want to do things with them that my large body makes difficult. Making that initial "free" consultation I'm hoping will pay me back in dividends. I'm so confident in this decision and look forward to a healthy new body by the end of the year.