I feel like for the past ten years I have been a hostage to my body fucking itself up despite my efforts.

In 2006, when I was gaining ten pounds a month and clothing stopped fitting all of a sudden, I got really depressed and scared. I was diagnosed with PCOS and unceremoniously put on diabetes medication, metformin, which made me ill every time I ate. I felt like I was being punished for existing. My doctor didn’t help, he was dismissive of my symptoms and uncaring of progress, next steps, or helping me manage my pcos. I would stop gaining for a bit and buy new clothes only to outgrow them again. Despite being on medicine. Despite eating less than I always have. I felt like I was making an effort to be active but I wasn’t getting any results. I didn’t really know what I should be doing and I felt like I didn’t have resources for help.

When I moved home in 2009 I maintained my weight at 180 by walking around college campus all day. When I was done with my coursework, my weight spiked again.

There was a brief time in 2012 when I went on a ketosis diet that assisted in helping me lose sixty pounds (Ideal Protein). I was always hungry and short tempered. It was expensive and taught me nothing but that I hate dieting to the point of ridiculousness. What’s the point of being hungry all day? Why is it $320 a month when I still have to buy my own food? I was literally spending most of my money on this diet.

160lbs

When my husband got his kidney transplant, and was able to eat phosphorous rich foods again, I ate with him.

I was at 200lbs before long.

I noticed I would eat more and more. I constantly felt hungry. My emotional state was supplemented with sweets and as I gained more weight than I had before, I entered a cycle of emotional eating and stress. I bounced around from OBGYN to PCP, asking for help, advising that I had been diagnosed with PCOS and had tried birth control and metformin. They didn’t seem interested in helping me.

I got new insurance and started the search for help all over again. I felt like I was just going through the list of every OBGYN in town. None of them really wanted to help me, unless it was to manage it just enough to get pregnant. Which, really, isn’t managing it either. I felt bad for the people trying to get pregnant with pcos, as they were going to go back to struggling with it once they had their kid. The OBGYNs only wanted a baby born, not treatment and longer term management. Most of them didn’t know what to tell me when I was talking seriously about trying to get my life over this hurdle. One offered me dietary cinnamon tea.

In 2013, I had a cancer scare and LEEP surgery performed at a local hospital. I was so upset, I started crying after the surgery and explained that I was trying to manage PCOS on my own with no help or meds and this was a glimpse of my future that I didn’t want.

The doctor reassured me that they could help. I transferred my medical records and set up a follow up annual exam, for the first time I felt hopeful. This was a mistake. My next exam at that facility I was basically told that I didn’t know what I was talking about, that I was just fat and needed to lose the weight. This female doctor said all of this in front of an intern. I fought with administration about how I was treated, but no one cared. They dismissed me with callousness.

As my career in computers continued, my google-fu got better and I started looking online for resources to help me deal with what my body was doing. I stumbled upon the name of the medical field that this falls under- aside from obstetrics, endocrinology. I went to a local endocrinologist and he put me on victoza, understood what I was going through and was sympathetic to trying to help me. Not long afterwards, I changed jobs and lost my insurance.

I began working in a stressful environment and my home life was not helping. I did get insurance again and was able to find a good OBGYN who took on the role of my endocrinologist in trying to help get my pcos under control. (Since the two fields of medicine kind of overlap here, he was able to prescribe what I needed.)

I was also given a birth control implant, as I have always wanted one, and to get away from the pill. I was so happy. My doctor trusted me to tell him the medication that I had gone through and seemed interested in working with me to find something that worked. I let him know I had been through several “low dose” pills, metformin, spironolactone and victoza in an attempt to bring my pcos to heel. The only thing that at least helped my weight plateau was victoza.

Without issue, he prescribed my medication and worked with me to try new dosages to see if anything would help.

I had gotten up to 250lbs at this point.

I was able to lose 30lbs pretty quickly but became stuck at 220lbs.

I also had a new PCP. I started taking amitriptyline for migraine prevention and Prozac for helping me cope with anger and tension.

I left my husband in December 2015. I left my stressful job in April 2016.

Still my weight climbs and my clothes don’t fit for long. I find it depressing to go out and do anything that I did before, just about. It is depressing to have to squeeze into places that no one else has a problem getting to, and to feel like you are holding your friends back because you are so over weight that you can’t do simple things without special consideration.

I worked out for a few months. I threw up every time I did. Treadmill. Bikes. Stretching and walking. I can’t do anything without throwing up.

I feel like nothing is working. I shouldn’t feel like I haven’t eaten anything all day, to the point of weakness, when I ate a meal 6 hours prior. I shouldn’t keep gaining weight when I am eating healthier and taking the stairs and working out. I shouldn’t throw up every time I work out, no matter how "easy" I take it. I feel like these aren’t things that should be considered “expecting too much”.

I shouldn’t have a scratchy, patch beard that never goes away no matter how much I pluck it.

I shouldn’t be getting thick black hair on my breasts.

Why can someone put such a miniscule amount of effort in and see results, but I am stuck on this downward spiral?

I feel so frustrated by all of this. And I definitely know I am not alone, it’s just hard to be surrounded with people who don’t have to really deal with this in the angle that I am.