Today was a big step for me in facing my anxieties around people. I haven't enjoyed going to the mall in years. My daughter needed some new jeans and so my mom and I went to JCP because that's where her favorite jeans are sold. I had every intention of only going into JCP and getting a pair of jeans and leaving again. Well, it turned out that they were having a hum dinger of a sale. There was a $72 dress that was marked down to $1.97. No, that isn't a typo. It really was only two dollars! (I ended up getting it for my daughter because it was adorable and happened to be her size.  My mom has needed new clothes forever and refuses to buy herself any based on the premise that she doesn't want to buy anything until she loses some weight or has a little bit more money or any other excuse she can come up with. I do not like to go out by myself unless it's to the nature trail over by the lake where I can hike down to the water and hide and write or read by myself without anyone tripping over me or anything like that. Or riding my bike without too many other people around. I just do not like being around people unless they are people I know well. 

Before I took little girl back to school after her shots, I had to stop by the house to get my oldest some clothes since he really wasn't prepared for the temperature to be half of what it was yesterday. I ran in and told mom to get her arse in gear cause she was coming with me to run errands. She didn't want to be alone any more than I did today. For a totally different reason, but same feeling all the same. So, she got dressed and we got the clothes to the oldest and dropped off middle child. We then proceeded to run errands, eventually running to JCP. Since there were so many really cute tops for between $2 and $5, I had mom pick out a couple and I got those for her for Valentine's Day. She loved them, but said she needed a "nude" bra to wear with them because hers would show through the materials. I did the only thing I could...took her to Victoria Secret to get her a "nude" bra like her favorite. This meant traversing the dreaded mall. I hate the mall. There are way too many people at the mall. Poor mom though. I don't like the mall, so I walk kind of fast to get from one place to the next whenever I have to traverse the mall. Mom doesn't have as long of a stride as I do, so she ends up putting in 1.5-2 steps more than me whenever we're out together. 

When we got to Victoria's Secret I (as always) fell in love with the majority of the bras and panties they have throughout the store. The problem with oooing and aaahing over those sexy undergarments is that it's embarrassing to get caught by one of their personnel that are the size of toothpicks when I'm the size of two of them put together. But while mom's trying on her bras what am I supposed to do? I wander around doing laps around the store muttering to myself "okay mom...hurry up. I'm ready to get out of here now". I can't wait until I am small enough to actually fit into some of these gorgeous underwear. I don't know when I'd be able to afford it again, but omg, I can't wait. I just wish that in the interim I didn't feel like people were laughing at me for even stepping foot in there. I wish I didn't feel like they were talking about me behind my back to their coworkers. I just wish I didn't feel like they were about to ask me what I was thinking by contaminating their store with my oversized presence. I kind of doubt anyone was actually thinking that, but that was how I was feeling. It's how I always feel when I go into one of those shops. I wonder if I'm going to feel the same once all the weight is gone. If I'll feel like an imposter when I go looking for things to wear from there.  Since I start therapy in two days, I really hope not. Time will only tell.