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Darkness

Hoping052017

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What do you do when the darkness seems to engulf you?

 

February is always a really hard month for me and right now, looking out my window at the grey sky and the bare trees and remembering the good and the bad of the last 21 years, all I want to do is curl into a little, itty bitty, teeny tiny ball under my covers and hide. I want to go to that place in my mind that seems to hold me as a happy prisoner. A beautiful place that never rains, the sky are always blue with white puffy clouds (you know the kind that you can imagine pictures out of). A crystal blue pond with a full willow tree that you can sit beneath and take in all the beauty around you while you peak through the many branches.

 

Yesterday was the 21st anniversary of the first time I met my husband of over 14 years. We went on our first date that Valentine's Day. We became a couple four days later when I stole his fedora in the lobby outside my college French class. 18 years later I found out that he was not the person I thought he was. I realized he had multiple mental health issues that he refused to seek help for along with some that I didn't find out about until after I had filed for divorce. The day that he got the divorce papers, he decided that he couldn't live without me and our children. He committed suicide that day in April 4 years ago.

 

Despite the things he did, the problems he had, I never stopped loving him. Most of his family doesn't realize this or believe this. It's taken years to be in the presence of his mother without getting a look that says "You're a pariah and should be exterminated".

 

When the darkness engulfs me, as it is today, I just don't care. About close to anything. I don't care what I look like. I don't care what I eat. I could eat everything or I could eat nothing. I'm trying so hard to be conscientious of this today. So hard. My back is hurting and my shoulders are burning because of the weather, but I'm in a place where it doesn't matter right now. All that matters is that I'm alone with my thoughts, my memories - both good and bad. The memories of our first date together where he met me in the student union with a glass filled with hershey kisses and tied with a red ribbon. The memories of the last time I ever saw him alive where I had a glimmer of hope that he would get the mental help he needed and that we could at least still be friends and not enemies. And then all the memories in between.

 

I want to eat right now. I want to bake, actually. I want to bake decadent chocolate cupcakes. I want to bake chocolate chip cookies. I want to bake pear and apple tarts. I want to bake anything and everything because when I'm baking I can disappear. I can dive into a recipe and tweak it, perfect it, change the flavor and add to it. And everything else doesn't matter anymore. A lot of times I will come out of the kitchen and my major depressive episode at the same time like baking just wipes the depression away. Other times it's like getting drunk where the pain goes away while you're in that state only to find it right back where you left it after you're sober. I have a feeling that today is the latter day. And until I get through February 18 I don't see it getting a whole lot better. Good thing I'm seeing my therapist Thursday.



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Hello, I just saw your post from Monday. Wow, Stop the sad thoughts. Not easy but call a friend and get out of the house. I am so sorry about your past and husband and relationship. I really think you should talk to a professional. You are not to blame, stop looking back. You sound young and you have your life in front of you. Plus, continue eating healthy. Do you have children? I was alone in most of my marriage and I just made my family me and my kids and persevered by doing what I wanted, remodeling my house, taking the kids places, etc. I too get a bit depressed here and there and try to push through it. I'm not a psychologist but I feel you need to talk to someone that can help you dissect what you are going through. There is an inspirational young man who speaks on line and he makes so much sense. You can follow him on Instagram, Facebook. His name is Trent Shelton. Take care and God Bless.

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@sonkat5355 Thank you for your comments. I'm trying to see a "professional" because I have known I need help for a while. I was supposed to begin sessions with her tomorrow. She called me late yesterday afternoon and said she had made a few errors and the earliest that she could see me is on the 16th.

As for calling someone, unfortunately, I don't have anyone I can talk to. I only have 1 friend and she's rarely available. The other person, whom I thought was a good friend, hasn't answered my calls or returned my texts in over a week. The only other person that I counted as a friend hasn't returned my calls or texts in a year. Sometimes I really think there's something wrong with me.

My head knows I'm not to blame for his actions, yet my heart still cannot seem to let go. I'm in a better place today, but my heart is still heavy after reaching out to two people who told me once that they would always be there for me if I needed them. Neither of those people have reached back. Since I am an emotional eater, I thought I would reach out to strangers since not even my new therapist will see me right now. Pretty bad when you talk to someone for over an hour, cry three times in the office, make an appointment to see her again in 10 days and then she calls the day after the darkest one you've had in months and says she can't see you because she made a few errors. It made me think that the errors were me.

Thank you for reaching out. It means a lot to me that a stranger would reach out when the people I know, that claim to love me, won't speak to me.

Oh, in answer to your question, yes, I have 3 children 10,12,& 17. They and my mom are actually the reason I'm still here. As much as I don't want to be here most days, I could never be selfish enough to leave them alone intentionally. It's the main reason I sought the bariatric surgery. So I could be here for them. So, I'm trying to pick myself up and dust myself off. I just have to get through the 18th and then I know it will be mostly smooth sailing from there with the exception of April 22, which I think I just decided I'm going to try and make that my surgery day. The day I leave my fat and him behind forever after. Yeah! I like that idea! Now, here's praying it works out that way! :D

Thank you again! You just made my day. God Bless!

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