Wednesday I had my phone consultation with Dr. Shillingford. This was my second surgeon consult because I'm switching surgeons. It went well, somewhat more detailed than my first consult. I am more confident today that this is the right choice for me.

Since this is my first post I will introduce myself.

I'm a mom, daughter, sister, friend, and boss. I will turn forty in March. I'm single. I'm kind and kind of funny and am generally a happy person with some anxiety issues.

I'm two weeks and four days from my gastric sleeve surgery and super excited/scared.

Here's a lengthy explanation of how I got to this point....

Most of my adult life I’ve fluctuated between 20-40 pounds overweight. Often, I tried to lose weight, but I wasn’t unhappy with myself. To paint a true picture you should know that I am 5’6” and my preferred lowest weight would be 130 lbs, highest 160lbs. When I graduated high school I weighed around 160 pounds and I felt great. I went camping, rock climbing, canoeing, dancing, and felt good about myself. I don't remember a time when I weighed 130 lbs!

But, I gained bits here and there and by my mid-twenties I weighed around 190 pounds. I remember thinking how impossible it was that I was so close to weighing 200 pounds. As incredulous as I felt, I was not able to lose and keep off any weight. When I was thirty I moved out of state with my boyfriend, thinking I was starting a new life of adventure and love. I was wrong, he was mean and he was a criminal. An actual criminal. Because of unbelievable stress, I gained another forty pounds. Then during my pregnancy I reached three hundred pounds. I was pre-diabetic and began suffering from depression and anxiety. I lived in a dangerous place with a volatile man states away from any of my family/friends. I felt trapped and I was so scared.

Then I had my baby and found my son was more important than anyone else and that he deserved better. I found the courage to leave.

Four years have passed and now, I’m 39 (my son is five). I've been in therapy for over two years and have had such love and support that I can honestly say we are doing great. Except... I am obese -255 pounds. I treat my body like I hate it. Most days, I do hate it. Also, I am a bit of a hermit now because of the combination of my distrust of new people and my body. But I want to live more fully and to connect with people again, so badly.

Through therapy, I have become aware of this "mean girl" voice in my head. I wonder if anyone else thinks this way? It seems she runs almost every aspect of my day, and probably has been for a long time. As I walk I notice how hard I'm breathing and am disgusted with myself. When I'm with a coworker and a patient smiles at her and ignores me, I tell myself it's because I'm so fat and ugly. If a man talks to me I put up a wall of sarcasm and humor. I've alienated myself from the world because I'm so uncomfortable in my clothes, in public, sitting in chairs, etc. On the rare occasion that I go out or buy new clothes; it annoys me that I’ve become a big, fat roll-y, mess and I often cry. I worry that my son is embarrassed by me. I avoid having my picture taken with my son because I can't stand how I look. When I see myself I am disgusted, saddened, and discouraged. I would never say these things to another person, but a part of me thinks I'm the only one who deserves such harsh judgement.

I am over one hundred pounds overweight. I’m no longer curvy, attractive, healthy, strong, or any of the things I used to be. Truth is I haven’t taken care of my health or my looks in years. This man came into my life and showed me what it felt like to be coveted, but also controlled. Before him I ate the wrong things, but while I was with him I began using food like a drug. I would be ravenous and almost desperate to eat and could only feel better when I was so overly full all I could do was sleep. The lasting result of that is when I feel hungry, I panic.

It's incredibly hard for me to share these things. I'm pretty successful and outwardly an extroverted, happy person. Weird, right?

As I've mentioned, I've been working with a therapist for over two years to heal my mind. I'm finally at the point where I want to heal my body.

I'm not sure who said this, but I re-read it several times like a mantra, so I will share.

"...and I said to my body, softly, "I want to be your friend." It took a long breath and replied, " I have been waiting my whole life for this."

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