I don't know what is wrong with me but as the surgery looms closer I can't sleep at night. So anxious and excited. Keep thinking about my future, I've never been so optimistic and filled with so much hope. So many good things happening at once. First and foremost I'm thankful to God, without him with the way things were going last year I would be dead by now for sure. I was on the verge of being homeless, constantly sick and being diagnosed with more health problems but now look at me, I could possibly get my own place this week, this week is also when my weight loss journey kicks off. I hope I can do this upcoming liquid diet Wednesday. 2 weeks of no solid foods just liquid, then bam! Surgery time then more liquids. I know it won't be easy. I can't even stand the feeling of being hungry, it drives me absolutely crazy and makes me really grouchy and mean, but just to think a year from now I could very well be half my size!

I think about this lifestyle I want, I want to be healthy. Having a place of my own will give me that advantage. I won't have to look at a fridge full of tempting food that would throw me off course, don't have to choose foods I don't even want when grocery shopping because I have to compromise and share the grocery bill with other people. I can eat whenever I want also and I no longer have to be ashamed when I eat around people because whatever I'll be eating would be healthy and within the parameters of my required diet and my sleeve would restrict my portions.

I would like to get a little dog to take on walks, and actually utilize the gym in the apartment building I'm moving into or go to a regular gym or both. I want an active lifestyle, try things I can't do now like maybe go hiking even though nature and I don't necessarily get along, (I'm scared of insects, snakes and mountain lions) but I'll give it a try. I also used to love bike riding (until I rode off a curb one day and broke the bike in half), I want to try indoor rock climbing, maybe join a dance class -just all kinds of things I can't even think about now because I'm so big and out of shape, but maybe even do the little things like going to the beach and walking across the sand without sinking ankle deep each step.

I want to spend the next two to three years years getting to know myself and becoming my true self. Who I am right now is not really me because my life has just been so restricted because of my weight and other issues I've had to overcome. I've been through hell and now things are changing for the better and I just want to seize the opportunity to live life to the fullest and function like a well adjusted healthy human being for once.

The scary thing is I haven't confronted all my demons yet, namely the ones that have triggered my binge eating and overeating all these years and the one that equates a belly full of big greasy double cheeseburgers and soda with a loving hug from my mother who rejected me. But you know what? I'm putting on my fighting gloves and when my poor tummy roars from thinking I'm punishing it by feeding it only liquids I'm going to arm myself with self-help books and prayer and I'm going to confront this motherfucking demon head on and defeat it because that's all I can do. I have my mind set -I'm going to have this surgery April 6 and its going to hurt a little bit, -maybe a lot, but as they say, anything worth having is worth fighting for.

I'm spending the next few days learning all I can about this surgery, about my diet and getting in tune and mentally preparing myself -things I probably should've been doing all along but I just never thought this surgery was actually going to happen even though I've went through most of the process. I've had all these people I'm related to whom I expected to be my cheerleaders say nothing but negative and discouraging things to me about how I won't be able to do this. All I really got egging me on is myself and some of the nice people from bariatricpal. Some of these people have experienced the same things and things I haven't experienced yet but will go through. I can learn a lot from them.