March 9

Ok I had to leave work yesterday due to that fact that I was so miserable from being constipacted. I know it had to piss my boss off because I have just came back after being out for 9 days due to a rough recovery after my surgery, so much for a raise anytime soon huh. Heck I am worried about being replaced if something else happens, like I dont have enough to worry about.

I called the doctor and he had me give myself a fleet enima, oh that was lovely. Then he had me take 3 colace and buy some benefiber for everyday use for a while. I cant help but think, did I not see all these when I was doing my research on the band, or did I turn a blind eye to it? I didnt know about lapbandtalk.com when I was doing my research, and I wished I had. Here it seems that people talk about everything and that is what people need to hear that are thinking about doing this.

You know how misery loves company well sometimes I believe that people sugar coat the band cause people want people in the same "group". Ok did that make sense, its like if your wearing a short dress to a party and you know other will be wearing long dresses you will try to have someone else wear a short dress too. Ok maybe I think too much.

Did I take a Xanax last night, you bet I did. I was miserable most of the day, then the girls came home and needed attention that I was in mood to give them, and lets not even get into my husband being pissed cause I was at home, he is worried about me lossing my job too. Ya know everyone says you have to take care of yourself first then worry about a job, but who are we kidding, we live in the real world where good jobs are hard to come by and bills dont care if your sick or not. I do have a good job and they have been supportive of me so far , I just pray my luck holds out.

Have I been watching what I eat, yeah I look at every bite right before it goes into my mouth. I think they call that the see food diet! My mom and family that knows about my surgery keep asking me "how much weight have you lost", oh my god, I think if someone never ask me that again I would be ok!!!!!!! I know they mean well and they are doing it out of love and excitment for me but to someone who just wants to forget about my weight it is a constant reminder.

Funny I am sitting here eating Chex Mix while writing in my journal, my tummy was growling and this was the only thing in the vending machine that wasnt loaded with sugar. I had a weight watcher english muffin this morning with that healthy butter spread (the one that is suppose to be good for the heart) and a cup of def. coffee. I usually dont take lunch until 1 so when I do eat I am straving.

Ok I must say this, I am SICK TO DEATH OF EVERYONE WATCHING EVERYTHING THAT GOES INTO MY MOUTH, if I had it to do over again no one, and I mean no one would know i had this done. Ok I know most of us had to see a shrink before having this surgery done, but I am not sure I am mentally prepared for all this. I know this is a magical cure , this is a "tool" to help me out but this tool doesnt talk and tell people to shut up. Ok that was harsh, maybe shut up isnt what I meant, I just think that people need to be more sentative to the situation. This is going to be a longgggggggggggggggg hard road and being asked about it everytime u see me doesnt help me any, it reminds me of the hard work I have to do. Say if you had a diease and you were going blind, would it be ok to ask that person everytime u see them " How well are you seeing today?", I think not, so why do people think it is ok to ask "how much weight have you lost?' or what are you eating and how much. heck maybe it is just my friends and family and no one else is experiencing this.

I just pray for the day when my weight wont be all consuming for me.