I tend to be a secretive person about personal things. I like to write and I feel I express myself best when I'm able to communicate with written words which is why I've been blogging in various formats for nearly 13 years. But there's another reason why I find so much comfort in writing. I like the anonymity of it. I like that I can express myself but not put myself "out there." When you put yourself out there you can get scrutinized, criticized or worse. Now you can read what I write and if you don't like it you can tell me so and that's fine. There's a digital layer of protection that there's that just doesn't feel the same when someone says something to your face... especially someone you know... or someone you love.

Many people I know have made the decision not to tell people about their surgery and I understand that. I know there's a flood of misconceptions, judgements and everyone seems to know someone that has either died or had a major complication that they can't wait to tell you about. I fully support anyone making the decision to share or not share. How you handle this journey is your own. I've decided to share my story. I know that will open a floodgate of judgement both good and bad. The reason why I decided - after a long deliberation with myself - because there are two things I want to come from this weight loss. I want to be more honest with myself and I want to be available for anyone else going through this as well.

For years I tended to hide my weight. You can't successfully hide 300lbs but you can try to deflect attention from it. I was always a very hard worker and I tend to put on a happy face and make jokes and entertain when I'm in groups. If I'm funny then you notice that and overlook how uncomfortable I am in my jeans or that I'm always trying to cleverly hide my stomach. I felt that if I gave into showcasing how unhappy I was with my weight that the stereotypes would come flying in! I'm lazy, unkempt, or unlovable. As these images were all my own I really fought to not portray those things to the world. I knew some people who were genuinely (or so they seemed) perfectly fine with their weight, whatever it was. They didn't care about it, obsess about it, and I so longed to be one of those people. I wanted to go to NAFA meetings and revel in my size but I was never comfortable with it. I was never okay with my weight but I let it confrol me forever.

In order to live an authentic life I need to be able to put myself out there and putting this surgery journey out there is just one way to share my realities of my weight. My feelings about my weight and this journey are my own and I want to be honest with this and really let myself out of this self-imposed box I've been in for 30 years.

I've wrested with the surgery debate for many years. From back in the early 2000s when people I know first started to get it done to when I seriously started looking into this surgery for myself. Coming from a small town in the nations smallest state there's not a whole lot of people just running around with information. My hospital is amazing but it's also 40 miles away and when your state is 45 miles long it's just not what we do everyday here. I want to make myself available to others because I think I learned so much from people who have been through this surgery that I want to be able to give that to someone else.

I have no idea how this journey will be for me. I'm excited. Eager. Ready. My date was moved up a week so I only have 16 days before the next phase of my life begins. I'm going to share it all.