2.5 weeks out, and I returned to work yesterday. I didn't think sitting at a desk job would be that taxing... and was I wrong. I was going strong all morning... then about 2pm, I heated up, the room started spinning, and I couldn't walk straight. My admin assistant told me that I was suddenly drained of color, and they were ready to call a cab to send me home in. I allowed the episode to pass before driving home. I made it home by 3pm, crawled into bed and passed out. I awoke briefly at 8pm, had some dinner and crawled back into bed.

Today is a new day. I returned to work, and things seem to be going better so far. I am trying to better stay on my feeding schedule... I'm alert... my admin assistant said I look 100x's better today. Fun times...

I think there are a couple frustrating things related to this process....

1) There are certain things I want, but know I can't have (namely Ice Cream and Pizza), but these are the same things that probably got me into this situation. For whatever reason, Chili seems to be my go-to, now that I can have semi-solid foods. I have been able to eat chili without any issues, every time. I've tried scrambled eggs and refried beans mashed together, but that doesn't go down well. I suspect I'll need to learn some other soup recipes...

2) I have lost 55 lbs, meaning I'm sorting through clothing to see what clothing fits and what doesn't. I've had to 'retire' my 3x shirts/blouses. My size 24 dress pants are getting baggy, my size 20 dress pants aren't quite big enough for me, and I don't have ANY size 22 pants at this point (I gave them all away). It was pretty awesome to step into my size 24 dress pants this morning, and have them be so big. With any luck, I'll be into the size 20 pants within the month, but I'm not sure what to do in the meantime. One friend suggested I run over to goodwill to grab a couple pair of size 22 dress pants to make it through the month. And once I drop below size 20... I'll have to start buying everything, because I don't have anything below size 20 at this point. I am REALLY looking forward to the smaller sizes.

3) One of my goals is to go snowboarding over the holidays. My snowboarding stuff has been in storage for several years (I messed up my knee winter of 2008/2009), and waiting for me to return. I tried on my snowboarding pants this weekend, and there is still some weight in the hips, thighs, and belly before they fit right. My surgeon asked that I lose 35 lbs by the beginning of December, and it is my goal to lose 50 lbs by that point. I should fit back into all of my gear at that point. Of course, once I hit my overall goal, I will need to get new clothing, since there is no way that they will fit next year.

4) I know I have made so good progress, and over half of it is from the work I did pre-op. However, I still see my 300+ lbs self in the mirrors on the walls of the dance studio when I go to zumba class. In every class I've been to in the last week, I'm the LARGEST/HEAVIEST person there. I do my best to keep up, and the loss of 50 lbs has really helped me move more easily. There are still things I can't do well, and I'm still not fast. With all of the work I've done, I feel like I should be an average-sized person. But I still have about 150 lbs to go before I'm there. So, when people see me, unless they know the work I've been doing, they only see some 300+ lbs fat girl. People still stare me down, make inappropriate comments, and judge me. For as much hard work as I've done over these last few months, I still have to deal with regular and daily ridicule of those who know nothing about me. I've been changing inside and out, but this does not stop mean people from being mean. I think this is the worst and most frustrating part of the process... I'm dealing with myself daily, and this is very much in the moment... time feels like it has slowed down. I have to feel every pain and see every look, there is no fast forward button. Once I am beyond this stage, I'm sure it will seem like it happened in the blink of an eye, but the day-to-day of this time ticking by so slowly... I've experienced this in the past, when I've lived abroad and am learning the language and culture of those places... but those were fun times...

Yeah, that's me... I don't want to wish my days away, I just wish this process didn't take such a toll on me.