I've been known to not see the forest for the trees meaning I can miss the big picture because I was fixated on a small detail. I've been working on it for decades... literally. Well today I received another wake up call that I can't believe hit me so strongly even though I've been wandering through this "forest" of my weight for quite some time especially considering my family history.

Let's start with my family history. I come from a large family that came from large families. By large I mean both in number and in size. My father is 6'2" and he's quite fit and healthy always has been but he's one of the lucky ones. His brothers and sisters are all large - some exceedingly so - but the problems only begin there. Most of my family has high blood pressure. Many have diabetes and of my six brothers and sisters I'm the only one with a weight problem but I'm also the one without high blood pressure or diabetes. I was always lucky like that.

But with my weight I always had another fear lingering in my head: my paternal Grandmother. She passed away at 39 years old of a heart attack. My father was hardly 15 years old and she died 5 days before Christmas. She left 8 children that she had nearly back to back and my Grandfather who pined for her until he joined her in heaven nearly 40 years later. She was easily 400lbs but stood well over 6 feet tall and towered over my Grandfather in pictures. I loved her confidence to wear heels and his to stand next to such a statuesque woman.

Her death left many scars as you could imagine. Dying that young of heart disease is frightening but when you're the only person in your immediate family who shares her body style it's even more frightening. I remember every, single day of my 39th year wondering if that was going to be me. Is that my lot since I didn't get the other diseases? It was scary. I remember my Aunt saying, "In this family the women through parties when they hit 40!" I wondered if I would hit it too. I did and kept on my yo-yo dieting trail.

So what happened today? I had to retest my H. Pylori test since the results were inconclusive. I asked the phelbotomist if she could tell me my A1c since my husband (Type 1 Diabetic) was curious. She asked me if I wanted a print out to compare my numbers after surgery. I said sure.

When I got home I started really looking at the results and came across a cardiac test. The range they were looking for was between 1-10 and I got 8.42. I was fine with that. In the range. All of my things were in the range. I was good, right? After looking at it several times I looked at the risk analysis that was in smaller print below it. It said this test determines the presence of inflammation etc with the following risk assessments:

Low Risk <1

Med Risk 1-3

High Risk >3

Wait! High Risk is greater than 3 and I'm sitting on 8.42? If I was over 10 they would have most likely done additional testing. Now this isn't the end all be all of risk and I'm sure if it was a major concern my doctor would have told me but I can't shake that I always knew there was a risk and that I was most likely in that risk. But to SEE it was totally different.

On days when this is really tough and I can tell just from reading blogs that this is going to be very challenging I will remember this and think of the Grandmother I never got to meet but I share so much DNA with and I will not break down but handle it and live well into my 40s and beyond for BOTH OF US.