Thank you for writing what I'm feeling. I feel so ugly and unworthy. Just awful.

I know what you mean. I think this is the lowest I have ever felt. Maybe it's because for the first time ever I am taking a long, hard look at what I am doing to myself. I used to pretend to embrace it, act like it didn't bother me. You know, the whole "jolly fat person" thing. Well I am not jolly. I am hurting, both emotionally and physically. I really want this to work. I know I need help, that left to my own devices I will die this way.. I am so hoping that the next phase is anger, lol. At least anger is an actual feeling. It definitely helps me to see all these people being successful after revision. I want that, too.

Oh my god, you could have opened up my brain and took those thoughts right out. As I started reading your words I started to cry, because this is how I feel and have felt for the past year. Sure a year ago I was still big but I at least tried to hide the emotions and look as if I was fine. Now I don't even leave my house unless it is for work or to go to the store. I used to love doing my hair, makeup, and get my nails done. Now I feel so disgusted with my body and how I feel I cant hardly bring myself to color the grey in my hair..lol Its crazy to know that if someone else can relate to what you're feeling it makes it a little better. I guess I just feel alone because I am the "biggest" one in my group of every day life people and I just don't think they understand how "Fat" is not just something on your body but it is a state of mind as well. Thank you for putting your feelings out there!

I feel so much better since I wrote this. I really did need to face my feelings. I spent so long acting like my obesity was no big deal when, in fact, I was dying inside and it was eating me up. I knew was putting on a front. I felt like I needed to because although my friends and family are supportive of me, not a single one of them actually gets it. They don't know all of the pain and misery that goes along with being morbidly obese, nor do they understand the psychological toll it takes on a person. I feel like here, on this forum, I can be me, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and I am not judged. It feels so good to finally face my true feelings.

I met with the nutritionist this week. She was very kind and helpful, and I will be taking a 4-hour class from her prior to surgery. I may even have my surgery date this coming week! Things are getting pretty real right about now! I am ready to become who I am meant to be, not who I have let myself become.