I've always loved swimming. Living on Lake Michigan in Northwest Indiana, one of the first things my parents did was make sure that all three of us kids knew how to swim. My mother almost drowned when she was a teenager in Pennsylvania, and she made sure that since we lived in a town on the lake that the same thing would not happen to her babies. We took swim lession at Rogers High school. I always enjoyed floating and swimming and diving under the water, like a fish. The smell of the chlorine and the humid air. At the beach it was always fun to feel the sand sift through my toes as I waded out to the sandbar. What I don't like is swimming in front of other people. Not anymore. I've always felt like the beached whale, the fattest fat person on the beach or at the pool. Like everyone is looking at me and judging.

My gym has a pool. A three lane lap pool. Not olympic sized, but a good size for fitness. I'm just so intimidated about using it. I still have my issues. I don't have problems going to the weight room and lifting weights anymore. I know no one cares what I am doing on the treadmill or elliptical. And I'm sure if I ever got to the gym in time for a class after work no one would bat an eye. I know that I am no longer the fattest fat person at the gym (and I never was really, but again, that's my own issue). But in my mind, I still see myself as a size 26W. That's all mental. But there is something about putting yourself in a baththing suit that exposes all of your flaws. Not just those external flaws. The rolls, the jiggling flesh, but the emotional imperfections too. The doubts, the fears, the years of heartache. It is like the act of wearing a skin tight suit puts all of your emotional issues out there on display as well, red and raw for the world to see. I can conceal issues in clothes, but not in a bathing suit. But I know that this is all in my head. But this is one time when it is really hard for me to get out of my own head. I should use the pool and get my $30 per month's worth out of my gym membership.