Hey there welcome to my blog. I'm so happy that you have chosen to read a few thoughts that I have about the world. I pray you find this entertaining, enlightening, and encouraging.

A little about me. I am 40, just turned the big 40... I don't know how I feel about that quite yet. It seems to have snuck up on me. I am a California native living in West Texas where they could seriously use a mountain or two, if only in the distance.

I have always been heavy for as long as I can remember. I've been the chubby child who grew up into the plus sized teen, and then to become the obese woman I am today. I don't know any other life. But I will very soon, in less than 2 weeks to be exact. But I'll get into that more later, that's not what I'm here to discuss with this intro blog.

I am a Christian, I know for many of you it has been Christians that have been the most condemning of you for where ever you are in your life. Christians seem to be the harshest critics in most things. I'm not saying all of them, but it's tough to find one that will just accept you where you are. In fact it took people outside a church building to show me what unconditional really meant. And I still fail at it, daily. I fail at it most of all with myself, but certainly others. I've learned to be prejudiced about so many things, and it's a difficult habit to break. I'm gonna confess something right here that I've not told any one;I can't help myself from judging someone I see that is obese, whether they appear larger or smaller than me. I am guilty of having those same judgmental thoughts in regards to how lazy they must be, or how they shouldn't be eating or doing whatever they are eating or doing at that moment.

Who am I to judge those people? I don't know them. I haven't a clue where their life has lead them, what health conditions they are plagued with or what mean, awful things they tell themselves that are so much more harsh than what anyone else says to them.

Truth is I do know them... I am them. I am everyone of them. I am the person at the donut drive through picking up a dozen for myself or the one in the drive through pick up a double decker bacon cheese burger with a diet coke of course. I am the non exercising, every excuse not to do something or go somewhere just because it might make me sweat. I am the one that avoids sitting in a chair that looks sketchy cause I have broken several in my day. I'm the one that hates flying because the seats are PHYSICALLY painful and the judgmental stares from other passengers can't even compare to the humiliation of having to ask for a seat belt extender or being handed one without asking.

I'm not judging them and their behavior, I'm judging myself and those things that remind me of my own short comings.

I'm also a judge for those that are considerably thinner. I judge them because I just know the thoughts they have in their head about me. I know they see me as ugly, gross, unworthy of acknowledgment, lazy... scum of the earth. I'm much more harsh on men than women. Although I have had the company and attention of some incredibly handsome guys, but they would never show me off. I was never their arm candy. I wasn't paraded in front of their friends and family. So I judge them all with the darkness in my heart that scares me. I'm not a naturally hateful person.

I am no different than anyone else. You may argue that you don't do these things, but we are all carved from the same piece of wood. Your slice may look different, it may have different rings, but in the end, deep down, we all are searching for meaning, purpose and most of all validation that we are important. I feel sorry for younger generations as they grow up in a very visually stimulating, instant gratification, money centric society. They don't know the joy of hanging out on the street with friends just enjoying the day. Bravo to the parents who get their kids to play outside. I digress...

Bottom line, I am an evil awful person, who would want to be my friend? I have the most disturbing thoughts about strangers, and even harsher thoughts about people that I call friends. The ironic thing is that the people who know me the best would tell you I am the sweetest, kindest, most generous person they have met... that I am willing to go that extra mile for others, that I'm full of rare wisdom and way too much knowledge.

I'm sharing this with you because if you are going to read my blog, then you should know me deep down as I don't want you to waste your time with false ideas about who I am or what I am about. I'm not here to impress anyone, but I hope by sharing my story that I can encourage others that they are not alone, and compared to me they just might be sane!