I'm a planner. I'm a researcher. I'm a worrier. Those three things aren't bad on their own, but when put together it becomes fun. What it means for me is that I'm constantly in a state of flux between being incredibly excited and incredibly terrified about the journey ahead of me. I know this will continue from now until they start the anesthesia and I'm okay with that, as long as it doesn't make me change my mind (unlikely) or make me drag my feet (much more likely).

So I've started making mental lists of things like NSV's I can't wait to have, weight milestones I'm excited to meet, things I want to make sure I do with my kids, ways I want to celebrate and so many other things to keep my outlook as positive as possible. This entry isn't dedicated to the fun stuff, though. This entry is dedicated to the nitty, gritty, sometimes embarrassing medical and physical reasons I NEED to have this done.

So here we go.

Let's start with the list of medications I have to take daily.

6 Aleve

300mg of Labetalol

25mg of Hydrochlorothiazide

300mg of Wellbutrin

2000mg of Metformin XR

All in total that equals out to 15 pills per day. Don't get me wrong - I understand that I will be taking a large number of vitamins and supplements after surgery, but I'm okay with that. I'm not okay with needing this many prescription medications at age 33.

Now the underlying conditions:

- Hypertension: I've had high blood pressure since I was a pre-teen. That's an extremely long time. I didn't become good about taking my medication until I was late teens or early 20's, but even so that puts me at over 10 years of being on blood pressure medications of varying strengths. High blood pressure, even when it's treated, does nasty things to the body. It's part of the reason that, when I'm pregnant, I always test positive for protein in my urine. Usually that's a sign of impending pre-eclampsia, but for me it's 'normal' ... which isn't good. I want to be 50 with a set of working kidneys, thank you very much.

- Enlarged Heart: When you're classified as "Super Morbidly Obese" and have never been just Obese or overweight in over 20 years, your body has to work harder to do things. That includes things like walking, standing and moving blood from one place to another. I was first diagnosed with an enlarged heart about 4-5 years ago I think. It wasn't anything they were horribly worried about, but it's certainly not ideal. Again, I'd like to reach 50 (or 60 or 70) with a working heart.

- Sleep Apnea: So, don't get me wrong - I absolutely adore my machine and the fact that for the first time in quite a few years I can get a good night's sleep. I don't wake up with headaches all the time (well, unless I'm congested), I usually have energy if I've been able to get a decent night's sleep and I just feel better. That said, I'd love to not have to go to sleep looking like someone preparing to walk through a gas cloud or to worry about where my hose is. I'd love to not have to worry about packing it and never being able to spontaneously stay at a hotel or sleep somewhere other than at home because I don't need my machine. Right now that's just not possible. No matter what, I need that mask to sleep otherwise I feel it the next morning. Granted, getting rid of sleep apnea isn't a guarantee, but at least if I do lose weight I'll know I did what I could.

- PCOS: So first, being overweight doesn't cause PCOS but PCOS can contribute to you being overweight. It's all about hormonal imbalances and hormonal imbalances don't just affect things like mood or fertility. They also affect weight and how your body metabolizes food. Insulin is a hormone and at the root of PCOS is usually some sort of issue with how your body deals with insulin. I know this and I've proven it to myself in the past. I've fixed it in the past as well - it's how I wound up with two beautiful children. That said, I don't want it to be fixed for a little while only to come back with a vengeance anymore. For me, PCOS is a downward spiral of symptoms that all conglomerate into me being one big mess. I know that losing weight will help, but I know that being able to actually keep that weight off will get me to a point where it's 'fixed'. I don't necessarily want more kids, but I'd like my body to work right, y'know?

- Depression / Social Anxiety: So yes, this is a surgery that's meant to fix my stomach, but I'm also hoping that it will also help fix my head just a little. I'm hoping that as I approach a more normal size it might be easier for me to interact with other people without feeling like I'm about to walk across fire. I'm hoping that by losing weight and being able to exercise and be more active it will help with my depression. Because exercise releases endorphins and endorphins make you happy and happy people don't murder their husbands. Beyond that I just want to feel normal and not freak out so much about having to interact with other Mom's at my son's school because I'm the biggest one there.

- Chronic Pain / Arthritis: Extra weight on the joints is bound to cause more pain than normal, but I'm at a point where I am in constant pain. From the time I wake up in the morning until I go to bed I have achy, stabbing and throbbing pain in most parts of my body. Right now as I'm writing thisI have sharp pains in my neck, my shoulders and middle back are burning, my lower back is achy, my feet are stiff and sore and I know that when I get up there will be additional aches in my hips and a sharp, shooting pain in my lower back when I try to pick up my 8 month old daughter. Again, I know that losing weight may not (and probably won't) "fix" all of these problems. I've done what I'm guessing is irreversible damage to my lower back and neck. I've broken both of my ankles 3 times. I've had whiplash 3 or 4 times. Those problems are with me forever. What I do know I'll get from weight loss is less pain. Maybe I won't have to take 6 Aleve a day just to be able to function. Perhaps I'll be able to wake up in the morning and not need to immediately jump into a hot shower so I can move. Hopefully I'll be able to get up and down from playing with my kids and not have to groan in pain because something is hurting.

Overall, if you're looking just at my physical state, I've got a pretty darned low quality of life right now. I realize that it could be so much worse and i'm thankful every day that it's not, but the point is that at my age it shouldn't be where it is. Not only that, but if I keep going the way I am, it's only a matter of time until things do start getting worse.

I've got way too much to live for to let that happen. I've got a husband, a 4 year old boy and an 8 month old little girl that I want to be able to enjoy and right now I just can't.

So that's my list of medical reasons. I'm sure I'll be coming back to this in the coming weeks while I'm trudging my way through my Surgeon's pre-op diet (1 week low carb/high protein, 1 week clear liquids, rinse and repeat), going through all of my tests and ultimately preparing for surgery. I'm going to need these reminders and it's a lot harder to brush them off when they're right there in front of you in black and white.

16 days until my appointment.