Woo HOO!!

Today marks one year since surgery!! Wowser! I am down 106 lbs since the beginning of the 2 week pre-op diet, and 96 lbs since surgery itself. I am 100000% glad that I did it. No regrets whatsoever!

I still would like to at least lose another 15 lbs to put me at a “healthy weight” for my height. I’d really looove to reach an ultimate goal weight of minus another 34 lbs…..but I dunno if I can, or if I could, would I be too thin. I have been stalled for a couple of months now, but I will admit I have not done anything yet to shake things up and stop the stall. I think there was this combination of factors – late December, I got a depo shot (to cover me between taking an old iud out and putting a new one in), and I really think that triggered some serious appetite increase with the hormones. But I will NOT blame it all on external forces; I take responsibility for my actions. At that point I was a good 7 or 8 months out from surgery, so my stomach had become completely healed. Being completely healed meant I was reaching for a wider variety of food. I’m not saying I was pigging out, just that I had begun more going to the crackers & bread whereas prior to that, I did not. And is is SO true that those types of carbs just increase the desire for more. Protein First is the only way to really work this sleeve tool.

THEN, Life happened – as it has its way of doing. Not going to go into details, but it involved a family member, and it involved cancer. There such a short time between diagnosis and amputation, during which I ate whatever the hell I wanted. Granted, it was a noticeably different kind of pigging out than what I used to do back in the day. It wasn’t even really bingeing, but I certainly wasn’t even trying to eat mindfully. I did notice that not only did eating poorly not make me feel better, I physically felt like crap because of the sugar & carbs. You live you learn, you pay the price. So I gained 8 lbs.

Surgery 6 days ago went well, and my loved one is doing well, and we think this will be it and the cancer is gone. This past weekend I woke up to what I had been doing with my eating, and I’ve been doing Boot Camp diet (Protein First, veggie juicing, protein shakes, no bread/rice/pasta/ carbs, lots n lots of water), and I am happy to report 4 lbs are gone already. And I am ready to make a run for those last 15 lbs…or more, if can.

I’ve wondered what I would tell pre-surgery me if I had the chance to talk to her. Obviously I’d say – "do it!! It will be worth it!!" I’d also say "Good for you for doing this, it is scary, but you are brave. And it is what you want and need." …... I’ve never shared this with anyone: I have a very clear memory of the morning of surgery thinking “stomach, I hate you, you have caused me so much sorrow, and now I am going to have you mostly surgically removed. Thanks for nothing.” I liken it to the cancer that my loved one recently had amputated. The feeling was “get rid of it!” But my stomach surgery was voluntary, it was not emergency. I’m sad to say my feelings toward my stomach the morning of surgery, the stomach which I felt had betrayed me all my life by constantly torturing me with insatiable hunger, those were feelings of hate. Not the most positive thing in the world, eh? But it’s what I felt. I got over that, although I am still glad that the majority of that buggah is gone. I love my new tiny tummy. It suits me just fine. I just think it's kind of sad that I had to hate a part of my own body so much that I was willing to surgically remove the majority of it. I just need to remember to use this tool I have given myself, and to practice gratefulness, and to remember where I came from a year ago.

So! Today being my 1 year surgiversary, is a little bittersweet. I am SO incredibly happy to have lost 100+ lbs. I am a bit sad that I went backwards recently. But I’ve just got to dust myself off and go forward again!

And, because I am SUCH a Look-On-The-Bright-Side kind of gal, my contemplations have led me to believe that in a way, this little stall has actually been a good thing. I say this because I lost 100+ lbs with never really a stall. I had the week 3 thing we like to call a stall, but it was like for a single day – when you’ve lost so much every day after surgery and then you go a day or two without losing, you can get melodramatic. But my week after week trend has ALWAYS been down. I think I’ve been lucky. So my time finally came for a stall.

Also, having lost so much in less than a year, I was getting a lot of unwanted attention. I’ve kept my surgery to myself outside of a couple of close family members and my boss & 1 office mate. Other people at work started going all ga-ga on me when I finally started buying new clothes and they realized how much smaller I’ve gotten. I have been quite uncomfortable with all the attention. So I think slowing down a bit for a while will allow these people time to get over the novelty and get me out of the hot seat as far as answering questions.

Similarly, I think having this stall is a good way for my mind to (maybe? Hopefully?) catch up with my new body. Being body dysmorphic from losing a lot of weight quickly is very real, and a very weird thing to go through. I don’t even know how to describe it, except for that the general feeling is that I am still big. The specific feelings are like looking in a funhouse mirror or something at times. Or not being able to believe that I weighed 100 lbs more at one time. Pick up 100 lb weight. It’s heavy! Carrying that around 24/7 was hard. I am glad the weight is gone! So anyways, I am thinking that perhaps I need to be at this weight for a while to re-learn how I feel about my body. It’s been a few months, and I think the consensus between me, myself, and I is that I would like to lose at least another 15 lbs. So that is exactly what I’m going to do!

Onward!