I sort of thought that as time went on, this liquid pre-op would get easier. In some ways it does and in other ways it bites.

I'm tired of just liquid and vegetables. Ah, I'll soldier on. I keep reminding myself that once I hear what I've lost during this pre-op phase that I'll be happy with myself.

I do far better earlier in the day, as the day wanes on from about 4pm onwards I'm out of energy and interest. I'm working on making that a positive. I find myself pretty reflective as I work through emotional issues. If I don't work through some of those issues I don't feel I'll be successful because we all do this to ourselves for some reason.

On Tuesday when I left my therapist I wanted donuts. In a former life I'd stop, go in the drive through, and buy two donuts and eat them in a huge hurry because I was on my way home. But after leaving her office, I wondered why I wanted them. Sure, there is their great taste, but I know it's beyond just how they taste. I think part of it sugar addiction. I've often wondered if Skippy dog food had a sugar variety if I'd eat that too.

I wanted to feel full. I could finally name that. I wanted to feel full. Full of what? Warmth spreading from within me when I eat, enveloped in sugar love. So I really examined that, really thought about it and of course, didn't buy the donuts, which not long after I got home I'd forgotten about them anyway.

Can food be love? You can surely love food, but isn't there something 'right' or correct about loving what well balanced food can do for you as a tool. Making you feel better, making your body work for you (me), filling it with nutrition. I can love food, and do but I think an important distinction is that I abuse food. I eat unhealthy food, I consume it in great quantities, I use it maybe to remind myself that I'm not all that great, not all that loved. **** that's awful.

Just free thinking here.

6 days until surgery