Wow. I cannot believe I haven't blogged since surgery! I will blame it in the problems incurred from the switch over from the old site to new, but the truth is I have had a lot of emotions that have blocked me. I truly and honestly thought I was 100% ready and motivated for this surgery. Early out I held in there so well, being super careful to follow the plan to the letter. Heck I even had a lot of restriction early on, almost too much. But then it all changed. One day I realized I didn't feel the restriction I once had. I could eat more. I assume I healed and swelling went down and this is what I have, my new stomach. But I liked the post op one better, then one that couldn't hold as much. This one gets hungry. Hunger still feels the same post op, it just doesn't take the same amount of food to make hunger go away. I have learned the difference between what I feel like eating protein dense food, and what it feels like to eat junk. I wasn't going to be the person to mess back with junk, no not me!! Until the day I put that first bite of whatever it was in my mouth. My stomach didn't complain. I tolerated it. Flood gates opened back up. No, I haven't binged on a daily basis since I had my first slider food. But I have had entirely too many sliders since that occurred. It is only by the grace of God I have continued to lose weight, although slowly. To date I have lost 42 lbs in four months post op. I am just not one who posts the big numbers, for whatever reason. Maybe because I had lost a bit pre op, on my own diet. ( 33 lbs) Maybe I am just a slow loser. Or maybe , and yes I realize this is more likely than not, maybe it is because of my lack of conviction of late. Not only have I taken a walk on the slider side, I am also guilty of Couch Potato-itis. I have all kinds of ideas, plans to get up and get moving. But the end of the day I am not up, I am home sitting. I can blame it on a thousand different things.. I am a single mom (it is hard to make time with a 5yr old) I work 40+ hrs a week, I have other stuff to do etc. But the bottom line is I haven't done it. I need to exercise. At least part of me wants to. Yet I am a big lazy blob once the work day is over and I go home, take care of the dogs, and make supper. Weekends are only slightly better. At least one of the two days I spend hours running up and down stairs doing housework and laundry. The other day may or may not consist of watching tv. Occasionally we go do something...something. It has been a rather cruddy winter so I am ready to go outside and DO something, so is my daughter. There is a lot of outdoor activities I want to do this year as I have been unable to do them in years past with my weight, things I want to do with my daughter. But I also sort of worry I will cop out of that too, as I have done with each and every other thing I had planned to get myself moving. I just do no know what has caused this "ugh" factor in me. I was so darn pumped to get this surgery. I was so darn excited to lose the weight finally. Is it because I was have fantasies of returning to an "old" version of me? One that last hit one-derland in my twenties? I haven't been twenty in over twenty years, I can't go back! And let's not start on the toll the weight took on my body. I haven't been at my current weight in at least the past 17 years, but it is hard to enjoy it as much because of how bad I look. The decade of obesity has stretched the skin past its rebound point. I have rolls, just more deflated. My double chin is mostly gone but in its place are deep ridges no amount of facial exercise and firming cream is going to fix I fear. And my hair is....gone. As I have said many times over my situation is unique with other factors contributing to my hair loss. But dang....it is harder than I thought. I hate having to wear a wig, even if it does look good. And when the wig is off I absolutely cannot stand to see what is left. I look horrible. I look sick. It is so hard to stand and look at myself and enjoy what is happening (losing weight) when I cannot stand to look at my true self. Maybe that is why I stopped blogging. I am depressed. I am so hurt by what I allowed myself to become and now what it has done to my body. I can't go back, only forward. I still want to get the weight off. I want to reach goal, but I admit I am very scared. If I am so unhappy now (with my body) what will I feel when there is nothing left but sagging skin, wrinkles, a bald head and smaller clothes? Maybe some of my slider sabotage has been to stall that from coming. Maybe I am afraid I won't be happy when I am at goal, and then what? I have a lot to deal with, but then again who doesn't? I am going to try to blog more and hope I can talk my way through all of it. Sometimes just getting it out can be a first step. ( I hope)