Ok it is March the 6th and I am just now starting my journal. I know I was told to start right away but I am lazy. Wow, I am sitting here thinking that is an ugly word, one associated with fat, large, heavy, full-figured or big, which ever is more politically correct today. Lazy? Maybe a little but try carry around 300 plus pounds around all day and see how much energy you have. Angry? Yeah maybe a little too, I did this to myself, I am the one that allowed myself to get this heavy, no one has ever forced feed me. Did I eat because I was hungry, sometimes, did I get because I was upset, happy, hurt, angry, depressed, or just palin bored, ALOT of times. Did I ever eat for enegry and to maintain good health, NEVER!!!!!

Do I look back and blame my mother for not teaching me to eat right from the very beginning? No, I lost my dad due to a major stroke at the age of 12, my Mom raised my sister and I working in a textile mill sewing for years. She never remarried and did the best she knew how too. Going to the grocery store was sometimes the only joy we got, sweets and cookies are cheap compaired to tennis lessons, or cheerleading. She couldnt give us maybe what some of the other kids had but we always had a home cooked meal and cleaned clothes, Thanks Mom. But here I sit today at 39 (40 in April) M-Obese. I know all the right things to do, drink the water, watch what you eat, stay away from white sugars, white bread and pasta, exerise and the weight will come off. Do you know how many doctors have told me that? Do you know how many times I have a doctor blame every little thing that is wrong with me on my weight? I want to cry but here I sit at work and wonder, am I am failure? It is just I am not strong enough or lack the will power. Exercise? I have had to take a wheel chair to the mall and grocery store for over a year now, exercise? You might as well say fly to me right now. Ya want to know something funny, I wont fly on an airplane b/c of a couple of reasons, one if I am scared of flying and I think that I would have a heart attack on the plane and die, not the plane crashing... and the other is I am scared they will ask me to purchase two seats and that I will have to ask for a seat belt expender. Sad how I live my life. I am truly no longer living, just getting by day by day, hanging on by a thread.

Ok I told myself that I would start tracking what I eat, (food journal), so here goes

Breakfast this morning: Slimfast high protein bar 15 grams of protein.

Ok and I am still hungry, I guess I have to just get use to being hungry, I am working on a bottle of water right now, but thoughts that there is a vending machine full of junk less that 50 feet away from me.

Sometimes I wonder if I am even normal.:think