The first successful gastrectomy was performed by Theodor Billroth in 1881 for cancer of the stomach.

Do I have concerns about cutting out approximately 85% of my stomach? Yes. But I am more concerned about my life would be like if I didn't. The pain I have dealt with for 30+ years, the psychological suffering, the social loneliness, this can be nothing compared with some physical pain and the forebearance required by a 2oz stomach. I will take this path because there is something in the wiring of my brain that doesn't stop when it comes to sugar, there is no "stop" sign on hunger in my body. I don't need a genetic test to know that. I just need a fighting chance.

That's what this is. There's nothing easy about weight loss surgery. Nobody thinks, "oh, sure" I can just take the easy way out. This is not easy. It is not easy to accept that you have an addiction. It is not easy waking up every day and feeling self loathing. It is not easy changing your emotional and psychological crutches. 

This is about living. And that is the hardest thing. 

So instead of buying a gun and putting it in my mouth I bought myself a vacation to Mexico. I'm not telling anyone, I'm telling you, whomever you are that if you're reading this I know how you have felt. I have cried after eating myself sick. I have looked in the mirror with disgust. I have thought of my life as an empty shell, a lifelong ticket for the sidelines. 

I want to play in the game, not just watch from the sides.

I want to dance, not just wallflower.

I want to live.

And I'm willing to fight. 

But I need this fast forward, I need some jolt into success. I'm not asking for the easy way. I will fight. I will fight through the anesthesia, and the pain, and the stitches, and the burning stomach acid, and the gagging nausea, and the inability to swallow down meats that aren't pulverized, and the foregoing of old comfort foods, and no more big floppy pieces of pizza.

Why?

So I can sit on a plane and not feel mortified, so I can walk into a store and buy something off the rack (for the first time in my life), so I can ask someone out and not have to convince them I'm super smart and funny first, so I can go skiing in Breck, so I can go dancing and not have to drink my humiliation away, so I can play golf and tennis with friends, so I can hike, so I can kayak, so I can complete the triathlon I've signed up for three times, so I can sit on the ground and get up without an ordeal, so I can camp and not be exhausted or worried, so I can not be terrified of hurting my leg (again) because of ice, so I can not be ashamed to see family each year, so I can love myself, so I can be free, so I can go snowmobiling, so I can stop being scared of life, so i'm not screaming hateful words at myself everytime I meet someone new, so my life can be about living in the moment and not being worried about the weight. 

So my ex can see me and eat her heart out.