Boy I am having an off couple of weeks. Not sure what is going on with me but it has been tough and it’s not getting any better. Of course I know it will but it sure doesn't feel like it :/ I’m struggling with food, working out, and everything else. I have my 2^nd nurse’s visit next Friday and I’m scared that I've gained weight. Not sure what will happen if I do but I will be honest with my nurse and let her know that it has been a struggle. I have to give myself some credit in that I have changed a lot of behaviors that I normally would be doing but the one that keeps popping its ugly head is soda. Soda seems to be my Kryptonite and knocks me down each time. In my head I have this constant battle where a line has been drawn. On one end there is the thought that I can have soda until the surgery because I know I can’t have it after. Then on the other side I know that if I stop soda now I will feel better and know that I am making a change for the better. Man, my head feels like a war zone!!!!!!!

Then I have the wonderful pleasure of watching my mom go through the surgery this coming Tuesday. I am praying everything goes great and that she is successful but I am having issues with her process and mine. I know that we are going through different journeys but I feel so angry that she doesn't have to go through as long of a pre-op diet as I will. When we talk and I want to talk about how I am struggling all she does is talk about herself. Take for example today, I stayed home from work yesterday because I spiked a fever of 102 and my knee was killing me. She called me last night when I was sleeping so I called her back this afternoon. The first minute she asked how I was doing and before I could finish she was talking about her progress and how many more days she has. She has also been driving my sister & my dad crazy. I know I should be happy but I just don’t have the energy to. I’m sure I will eventually but right now I’m a horrible daughter.

I need to get out of this funk and realize that I am doing this to be healthier and live longer. I want to be able to do the things I used to do and enjoy my life. I want to experience my true self and the way I am right now is not true. Things will get better and things will start to look up but until then I just have to take it day by day but today it’s hour by hour.