Why am I this heavy? How could I have let myself get this far? Why even try when you know you’re going to fail again?

I can’t tell you how many times I asked myself these questions this week. I thought last week was an emotional week…..boy was I wrong. I think it all started when I thought about the 7 hour flight I have to do in about a week. I have to travel to Washington, D.C. for work and knowing that it’s going to be a hard trip is scaring me. Trying to fit into a seat that is made for someone half my size and sitting next to a person who is eyeing you because you are spilling over into their seat makes me want to cry. Knowing that you can’t go to the bathroom because they were apparently made for a Barbie! I have avoided flying for the longest time but this trip seems to be the hardest thing to try and get out of. After a really long cry and kind of beating myself up I decided that getting an extra seat would be a better solution. This will be my first time purchasing two plane tickets just for me but I know that I will be comfortable and there will be less embarrassment if I bought it in advance. Boy what a wake-up call that was…..oh the joy of flying. I know that there will be a time when I do fit in one of those seats and not have to worry about the looks and whispers.

So I haven’t told my family except my sister about the surgery and I just found out last week that my mom is going to do the surgery too. It was surprising to hear this but no really because my mother and father have always bothered me to get it too. So one emotion I was not ready for regarding my mother getting surgery was jealousy. I am not a jealous person but for some reason I am now. I think the reason I am is because she doesn’t have all the restrictions I do because of my surgeon and insurance. All she has to do is try and lose 15 pounds then she will be able to get her surgery before they leave for Hawaii in April. Now I have to be on a 6-month supervised diet, work with a nutritionist, have a psych evaluation, and even then it doesn’t mean my insurance will approve. A friend told me that my surgeons are more detailed because they really want you to succeed in this process. Don’t get me wrong I am proud of my mother for doing this but I am just not ready to share this process with anyone. I know that I will get over this and I hope it is soon.

P.S. I did get a call from the surgeon’s office and I have my first appointment on December 5^th. I am so excited and I also was assigned the surgeon that I wanted . Thankfully being in D.C. for 2 weeks will help me get to this date faster.