My sister and I are bestfriends. We get asked all the time if we're twins, and we always tell the person asking that we are. They also reply with "wow, you're identical"! It's always been fun because we'd share eachother's clothes, make jokes about our weight, fight over leftovers, cry over clothes shopping and embarresment of more weight gain, binge together, and confide in each other about how much it hurts to always be "the big girl" and never the pretty girl. Misery loves company, right? We did everything together, and understood each other in terms of the low self-esteem that comes with being a young adult...a fat young adult, at that.

But this all changed 3 weeks ago and 38 pounds later. My sister just had vertical sleeve surgery. I watched her struggle with her approval. I even bothered her about it when I was jealous when I had no insurance and mentioned often to her it was the "easy way out". I was excited for her, but her journey seemed exhausting with all the hoops insurance threw at her, that I honestly never thought we'd see the day come. She (was) before the surgery 38 pounds heavier than me. I found a sort of consolation in that, as hard as that is for me to admit. Why? I'm not sure. I think I felt and do feel so lousy about myself that I tried to believe that it was okay, and that I'd always be smaller than her, and that I wouldn't be the biggest one on the family. Selfish and mean of me considering how much she means to me. And now the weight is flying off of her, and now we're the same exact weight, and I suddenly feel...alone.

I'm ecstatic for her. Thrilled that she is happy. So excited to see her daily progress, and so excited to see her confidence already begin to blossom. She's showered in compliments and oohs and ahhs. I'm scared. I admit to myself that I'm alone in this right now. The comfort of having a "binging partner" the comfort of knowing we'd always be big and miserable TOGETHER and never alone, and now it's changed. Now she gets full off of two bites, and I stare at her in disbelief, in both happiness, and bitterness.

Jealousy is such a horrible trait to carry around...especially when it comes to jealousy over loved ones. It's such a evil, sinnister, disgusting little tyrant that continues to drain. I hate that. I just know that I've now become the biggest one. She, as well as food, was our security blanket...and I'm sure I was hers as well. Food provides consolation and comfort and solace. Our relationship consisted of a shared common interest in junk food and a shared understanding of what it felt like to be fat and miserable.

My sister is the happiest she's ever been.

So where does that leave me? Well, I decided in late May early June once I got insurance, that I would join in on her journey and take "the easy way out". This journey has been anything but easy. I want to rekindle a relationship with her not based on food, but based on making health a priority and positive changes for us both.

I want us both to feel good. I want to transition to a new life with her. Most of all, I'd like to bond over real interests...not just what type of fast food joint we hope to eat at next.

I want the rest of this year to focus on transitioning and good, healthy, positive changes. For everyone.