Reading all the posts on here..and going over my own diary entries..it seems I have alot to think about. In my heart of hearts, I know what needs to be done..and yet, I don't do it out of fear. Not fear of failure.. I've picked myself up from ground zero before. I can do it again. Just so nervous because of the uncertainty in my job situation. If I move out/on, find a rental, will I be able to maintain it? I often think of asking dad to share a 4 bedroom with me..but dad can be quite the clingy/needy one at times too. Not to mention, I wouldn't allow his exwife to step foot in the house. (oh the stories there..and it all could've ended with a simple "sorry I screwed up, let's move on..damn denial..not just a river any more).

Dad is a neat freak like me. However, I can see him wanting to hang out the days I don't have the kids. Of course, I don't mind, I'm daddy's girl, always been. However, I would want alone time the first few weeks. Oh and I hate cats, he has 2. Though, Miles & Simone are good cats and decently clean. Cats just have too much attitude. And I don't know that my lil chunkers Lola won't eat them my sweet sweet dog. Who btw, needs to be put on a diet!

So here I am, yet again...wondering if I should do what needs to be done. It's hard, it's hurtful. I do not doubt that she loves me. She does the cutest things..but says the meanest things. Yet again this weekend complaints of my thinness. We haven't had sex in God knows how long. I don't desire it...and she doesn't make a move. Apparently I should make the move. Told her I have no desire when every other comment out of her mouth feels negative to me. Yes, there are times she's joking. I Know this. But it gets to me. My new favorite is callig me Elroy Jetson. REALLY? My hair looks more like Judy!! LOL

IDK........my head is just spinning. Work is out of control and then there's home life. Do I have the strength, energy to move on and out? Do I even care anymore? I know she's feeling like I am. The conversation will end up on me, blame on me...and my need for change (hmm...yet again, do ppl in a relationship need to change to maintain? to me, only if there are self destructive behaviors) God, we are so opposite.

I did find something interesting out recently. I got a tattoo on my ankle of our two astrological symbols entertwined. And it's sad, but I do research alot on how i can change it if we split. I happned to discover, I am on the CUSP of our two symbols! therefore, my tattoo can be ME. So all this time, I thought I was a cancer...but now i'm not just that. So did I ever really know me? And it does explain alot of how I have become the past few years.. (yes I believe in signs).

Well.. work is piling up (which pisses me off, it's ruining my social life on this community!LOL).

XOXOX