Temptation
The past few days have been really hard for me. I don't know exactly why. I made the cake for my friend and wasn't too tempted until I got to the end while icing it. Then they had the shower and I decided to eat. While I didn't eat a whole lot it was stuff I had cut out of my life. I had the whole "this will be my last carry in I can eat" thing going on in my head. ( I went for my last clearance that morning) So I indulged. Made me feel heavy and bloated. After eating well since August 1st it was a wake up call to how I had been living. But today I have been crazy hungry. It's like I woke a sleeping beast inside me. I worked so hard to put it to sleep and one day undid that. I spent the day at my grandmother's house so it was hard to eat well. Breakfast was an Egg White Delight McMuffin from McDonalds and coffee. Not the best but not horrible. Then by two o'clock I was hungry again. We went to Subway where I got a footlong flatbread club to split with my grandma. Again, not horrible. Except I also bought cookies. Ideally they were for my four year old and grandmother. But before I even realized what I was doing I ate some. I am so upset with myself. The worst part is, as I lay here writing this, my stomach is growling. I am still hungry! This is all just reinforcing to me why I need this surgery. I need a tool to help me stay in control. I know I also need to work on my emotional side, why I give in to temptation. I feel I need a "sober eating" coach. Like in AA when you have a sponser. Someone to call when the temptation is great.. Someone to talk me down. Right now I could use that for my eating compulsions. I really pray I can get the surgery soon and begin living with a stomach that works with me instead of against me!
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