Today I am....Depressed
Bad news. I've been depressed, lethargic and feeling blah, meh, blue, and blobby for the last three days. Good news: There is absolutely NOTHING wrong IRL, so I know this is just recovery/hormones.
I don't know what the heck is wrong with my body but really, everything is going well surgery-wise. No problem with intake, protein, fluids, etc. Blood tests came back looking great.
I'm just down.
I knew this would happen, but I didn't think it would last thing long. This whole week, I've struggled to do much of anything. I lack vim and vinegar and zip and zing. Over the last 3 days, it's been more pronounced. I'm sort of slug-like right now, and I'd like the old me back please. I suspect so would my employees who aren't used to me being quite so out of it. They all know I had surgery, only one of them knows what kind.
R of course is bouncing all over the place like nothing happened, but I notice that he gets angry easily and is very sensitive these days--which is his version of depression. So we're both having to be a bit gentle with each other and cut the other some slack. He's been great about giving me room to be depressed instead of trying to talk me out of it. I'm trying to do the same for him.
I lost a pitch yesterday. I HATE HATE HATE losing. I could not have made any profit at the price they finally paid another company, so it was okay to lose it.
But what surprised me was that my body reacted immediately and badly to it. As soon as I read the email, I broke out in a cold sweat and almost passed out. No exaggeration.
I think my new tummy handles emotion/adrenaline differently. I noticed this when we tried to watch a movie right after the surgery and the rather tame thriller upset my stomach and my nervous system so badly I had to stop watching it. I think with a smaller tummy, the same rush of adrenaline doesn't feel as it used to. It's a horrible, uncomfortable, tense feeling and you want it to go away. Don't know if all adrenaline junkies have to deal with this or not, but I now know that *I* have to deal with this.
I want to kick myself in the pants and "snap out of it". I'm keeping it from getting worse, but I haven't snapped out of it yet.
Welcome to recovery, emo-style
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