Okay...so.... I have been HORRIBLE about the pre-op diet. Was supposed to start 7 days in advance. Cheated my way through the first three days, including one of my "old" binges, i.e., eat carbs until stomach hurts then go sleep it off in a food coma. I got on the "real" diet 2 days ago and IT DOES GET EASIER just like you guys told me! I actually feel pretty darn good this morning. Now...the caveat is the usual caveat on my blog...I'm always better in the morning. Still....this is huge progress. Also, all smoking cravings are gone and I'm not using any nicotine replacement (didn't want to get addicted to the gum - lol)!

Another part of my experience that I thought I would share for those of you who are behind me in this process... As surgery gets closer, I actually am getting calmer. The 3 weeks prior to now, once I had my date, were pretty miserable. I truly went through a 3 week grieving period where I binged on foods and felt completely out of control -- all the worst parts of my food addiction. Spree, remorse, spree, remorse. I think it was a combination of two things: (1) the food funeral/electric chair eating effect; and (2) my nerves about the surgery (i.e., was I doing the right thing for the right reasons, was I really ready to change my entire life - quit smoking, quit soda, quit alcohol, and quit abusing food all at once??, would I be able to stick with my resolutions when in the past I never did, etc. etc. (these thoughts went on and on...). My pre-surgery craziness made me question again whether I was really ready for this. Now that I'm 2 days from surgery, it all feels bearable and I feel calm and confident.

I will re-post this so that I can hear it again... I am not doing this for cosmetic reasons. This is not a vanity surgery. This is a necessary surgery to allow me the chance at a long, full life with my children. Even though my BMI is "only" 35 and I'm "only" 40, I have significant co-morbidities: sleep apnea, high cholesterol, PCOS, orthopedic issues. These will only get worse with time. And...as important to me.... I am SO EXHAUSTED from the food insanity. I spent so much time planning what I was going to eat, eating what I was going to eat, hiding what I was going to eat, feeling guilty about what I ate, trying to "make up" for what I ate by starving myself -- which started the whole insane process all over again with another binge. Although I know that this surgery isn't a magic bullet and that my head is going to have to change along with my habits, but I also believe that this is the first step toward sanity.

Finally, for others who are Friends of Bill W., I will tell you that my program is really helping with this process. I remind myself that the 2nd step says that it is going to restore me to sanity. I keep repeating that. Take the action (the surgery), work the steps (my program), and be RESTORED TO SANITY. Now THAT is something to look forward to.... To me, this is even better than the 9th step promises!

Okay...scrambling to finish up projects at work so I can have a little peace during recovery.

Love to all,

Angela