Mad at the world....
I woke up today in such a bad mood. I have no idea why but I am super cranky. No good reason to be really. In fact, I should be pretty happy. I have hope for my future, something I haven't had in a long time. Yet my mood is crummy. Before I went to bed last night I started my new journal. Maybe the feelings I was writing about churned up and caused my poopy mood. Or maybe it is a stage, part of the process. When someone dies there are stages of grief. While this process is not to be compared with someone dying, it is almost as dramatic and life changing. Maybe part of letting go of my old life and way of thinking is going to cause all kinds of mixed emotions. I guess this is what we cover in the psych evaluation, I'm getting ahead of myself! LOL I will say the longer the morning goes the more I feel the emotions leveling out. Crazy head playing games with me. I do sort of feel today truly starts my new journey, my new life. I am committing myself over to change, what has to be. I cleaned my kitchen shelves and fridge last night in preparation. Sort of symbolic I supposed, a cleansing to get rid of the old and bad ways. I tossed or gave away foods I would not or could not eat in my new life. My struggle will be my daughter. She is only four and is very fit and healthy. I have worked hard to make sure she maintains a good weight so that she doesn't have to struggle as I do. While eating healthy will benefit her, I cannot deprive her of every last thing she enjoys just so I am not tempted. It is going to be a fine line. Anyway, my new (forever) way of eating starts today. I did the whole "before" pictures this morning.. Have to say- YUCK! I think it will be a bit easier post op to eat this way as I will physically not be able to eat much. If I fill the space with what I have to, then there won't be room for junk. Right now there is WAY too much room and I know it will become difficult. But I can and will do this. No other options, no backing out. My body is near a breaking point and I have to change now. I have been having a great deal of pain in my leg the past week. Last night it was so horrible I could barely walk. I am crippling myself with all this fat and I cannot do that anymore. So time to have a good cry, yell into a pillow, then put on my big girl pants and suck it up!!!!
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