Every person who comes to bariatric surgery has a reason, a story. No one wakes up one day and goes "you know, having my stomach partially removed,diverted, or banded sounds like fun- I think I want to do it!" Nope. There is a reason. A moment of giving it over to a higher power mixed with taking full charge of your weight loss. It is the most odd feeling when your brain makes the leap and decides it is what needs to be. I truly believe bariatric surgery is a last ditch effort for so many of us. (Disclaimer- can't say there are not those who think it is a quick fix or an easy out. But from all I have read and seen, it is FAR from "easy".) I admit, I am from the school of thought where this kind of surgery is "giving up". I have never seriously considered it for me. When I thought about weight loss it was all on me and my will power. If I just dieted enough or exercised enough it would be all I needed. But at 43 years old the light bulb, as dim or as bright as it may be, finally went off. I am not a dieting or exercise success. I am morbidly obese. I need to be realistic. I need to change now, while I still can. The consequences of not changing are just not an option.

Let me go back here a little. I have to say I have always been on the chubby/chunky/ curvy/ husky side. I was never "thin" like the other kids. I had a round face and a tummy when I was young. I developed early. In junior high and high school I felt pudgy. Even though I know now I was far from obese, society made me feel fat. I wasn't athletic, but I was active. A band nerd. ( And anyone who has been in marching band knows it is a physically active thing!) After high school and into my early adulthood I was still heavy-ish. But I was starting to realize I had curves that were pleasing to some, it wasn't just being fat. Into my mid twenties I probably wore a size large, maybe up to a 14-16. But since I was only 5'3", this was FAT. Then in my mid twenties I got married. The perfect storm for weight gain began. I began to have "female issues", I was in a somewhat stable relationship, ( at least for a short while) I quit working jobs that required me being on my feet and got a desk job. It all added up, and I started piling on the pounds. I quickly gained in excess of 50lbs in the matter of months. 200lbs, 225lbs,250lbs...the numbers on the scale just kept going up. I stopped gaining around 250lbs. I went into "diet" mode. But this time it wasn't coming off like before. When I had wanted to lose weight before all I had to do was eat less and move more. This time it wasn't working. After some other things going on health wise, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. (PCOS) My marriage failed in a few short years. I joined a gym. I dieted. I gave up. I was on the hamster wheel... Years passed and I lost weight, only to gain it back with extra. This went on for years. Then my mother passed away unexpectedly in 2003, which threw my world into chaos. I gained custody of my niece and nephew when she passed. I had never had children, so it was a new world. And they did not come without a LOT of issues of their own. The next four years were a struggle to just get through life. During that time my weight edged up further, until I hit a (then) all time high of 314lbs. Finally, in 2007, I decided I REALLY needed to change. I joined Curves and got my butt moving. I put myself on a very restrictive diet and managed to knock off 36lbs. In about six months I started to feel great, see a new me emerging. But then I hit a stall. I stopped losing. I managed to keep it off for a while, but could not get back to dropping anything. Then something happened I never saw coming, which lead to the next major change in my life.

With my 36lb weight loss came a new confidence. I started going out and dating. I met a man. I won't go into all the troubles that came of that, it is best put on another blog! LOL But I did end up pregnant. I NEVER thought it would happen. With my PCOS and female issues, I did not believe I could get pregnant. But at 38yrs old I did. I had a healthy baby girl in November of 2008. But life wasn't perfect. I am a single mom. There are a lot of struggles, including financial. I would love to say I never lost the baby weight, which got me to where I am now- but that would be a lie. I lost all I gained plus a couple extra pounds by my 6 week check up after she was born. No, my body was changed by having a baby but I cannot say I gained weight from it. But slowly I did start gaining again. So in 2010 I decided to start back to Curves and I added Zumba to my arsenal. I was determined to get back on the right track. But an already arthritic knees could not handle the intensity of Zumba, and I was soon having a lot of problems with my knees. I started seeing a orthopedic doctor and tried all kinds of things to help nurse the knee back to health. You see, before the knee problems I was a pretty darn healthy person. Yes, I had PCOS and female problems. But I did not have the common weight related issues such as high blood pressure or diabetes. I just had bum knees holding me back. So after months of trying this remedy or that one it was decided I needed surgery to "clean up the knee". Well surgery went off without a hitch. I had more severe arthritic degeneration than he had thought, but other than that I was ok. Until two days post op. I developed a DVT (deep vein thrombosis-blood clot) behind my knee. The day after I was admitted to the hospital for it I had a pulmonary embolism and was rushed to ICU. ( FYI- actor Dennis Farina just died yesterday from the same thing) This was a set back to say the least. But time passed and eventually I got back to "normal". I was never able to go back to Zumba, but I did return to Curves. Yet the weight continued its climb higher. I can maintain a weight for a few years, then suddenly I start gaining another 10, 15, 20lbs. As I have aged, and as I have gained, it has taken more of a toll on my joints. I started having to swallow anti inflammatory medicine like Pez. Then suddenly, without warning, this past spring all hell broke loose...

In March I started having pain in my "bad" leg. I thought I had another clot, but it was determined I did not. I was told I had vasculitis or phlebitis. Then in April it got worse. Another check determined I DID have another DVT. I started treatment with blood thinners and bed rest. A few weeks later I returned to work for a sum total of 2 1/2 days. Then my leg took another turn for the worse. Apparently the clot got BIGGER, migrated upward AND I had another small pulmonary embolism. Five more days in the hospital. After I was released I had to be on bed rest for another month. I was told I now have to take blood thinners for the rest of my life. My vascular doctor has informed me the veins in my leg are "destroyed". I have chronic venus insufficiancy. I have to wear a compression stocking on that leg everyday for the rest of my life to try to avoid further deterioration. And the worst part.....I can no longer take my arthritis medication due to taking blood thinners. I have lived with increasing pain for the past couple of months. It is no doubt my weight has continued to climb now, as I am basically seditary at all times. And depression over my situation has lead me to eat more. I looked into disability. I actually have two qualifying factors, so physically I can get it. But I thought long and hard about it. Do I want to live the rest of my life in pain? Do I want to keep gaining weight from being depressed and unable to do anything? And what about my daughter? What kind of mother can I be to a four year old like this? How can I be an active part of her life when I can't even be an active part of my own life?

That was the day it all changed for me. The day I decided I had one answer, one path I MUST follow. I HAVE TO GET THE WEIGHT OFF! And the path I decided I need to take is the bariatric path. I started doing a lot of research. I called my insurance provider and verified they cover it and the qualifications for it. (oh I TOTALLY qualify!!) I spoke to my primary care doctor. He referred me to Dr. Bruce. I have not stepped foot into his office yet, but I feel my choice is clear and made for me. After much research and consideration I choose to pursue the sleeve. I had initially thought lap band, but a lot of things are swaying my decision. So if Dr. Bruce agrees with my thought process, and my insurance will cover the cost, I plan to go full steam ahead with it. I have already been to my vascular doctor to get his clearance for surgery. He said losing weight would help my vascular issues a great deal, and is very much supportive of my decision. I have researched and read and planned as much as I can. I am being VERY proactive. I have decided (on my own) to begin changing as many habits as I can now to help with the process. I am making myself drink more fluids (ie:water) daily. I have decided that, starting in August, I am changing how and what I eat. I want to begin the post surgery diet, consisting of mostly protein. I feel it will not only help me succeed in the long run, it will also be easier to NOT have to change everything I have done all my life in just a matter of a few weeks. (not to mention having to deal with major surgery at the same time) One BIG habit I have to get in to is NOT drinking while eating, and chewing my food until it is paste. Those things will be tricky for me. But I know I can do it..I know I HAVE to do it. And I will be documenting and blogging as I go. ( If you have not been able to tell, and have read to this point, I like to speak my mind! No matter the form or to whom...LOL) So if anyone else is just starting this journey, or has been on it for a long time, and wants to read one woman's insightful, crazy, thought provoking or just plain weird story stay tuned..................................