I was going to type "I woke up this morning thinking..."

But, no. I woke up this morning to a giant thunderstorm after two hours of sleep, angry at the world. I drove an hour to work in the driving rain and had to stop and scramble for doctor-approved protein shakes at the grocery store so I could eat ("eat") at work. When I got to work fifty loud teenagers were babbling in the breakfast hall, three people needed transportation, and so on. So it was only after I finally got to run back, sit in my office and turn on some ridiculous cheesy "meditation" piano music that I cleared my head and I thought:

Today is the last day I have my whole, I-got-born-with-it stomach.

And that's cool by me. Goodbye, 75% of my stomach. We've had some okay times, particularly downing way more alcohol than we ever should have in the 18-21 years and getting stuffed full of all kinds of delicious things that were probably mostly butter and sugar painted to look like something edible. I'd say it's been a good run, but actually, now wearing clothes bums me out and my leg joints hurt a lot.

So I think it's time we part ways. Goodbye, regular stomach; I'm trading you in for a bionic model. Helloooo, staple line~