From what I understand, a blog is basically just a journal that you put out in the world for the whole world to read. If I'm wrong, I apologize. I have no idea what I'm doing, at this point I'm just winging it. So if you don't want to read ramblings exit now. OK so here goes. Im TERRIFIED of all of this. NOT because of the surgery or the life changes, but because Im afraid I will get my hopes up and prepare myself, and someone will tell me I cant do it, I don't qualify, or my insurance doesn't cover it. I feel like Im sick and tired of worrying every single second of every single day about whether I should go out because my ONLY pair of jeans don't fit, or because its a little hot out and I might sweat like an animal if I leave the house. Wondering if my husband saw me naked today and if it disgusted him. I may be being dramatic but that's how I feel. every day. all the time. it hurts. its exhausting worrying so much. its tiring holding in my stomach for so long, trying to look normal. its sad not wanting to be in any pictures with my son because I don't want him to look back and be embarrassed that his mother looked like this. And for someone to say, "well just work out. go to the gym"...100 lbs doesn't just melt off ya know. I guess people don't realize the physical strain that accompanies strenuous exercise with this much weight on your bones and joints. SO when someone tells me to go to the gym I wanna slap them with a twinkie and tell them to go take a nap and shut it!! lol. ugh. anyway so this is my ranting craziness at midnight. im beginning my journey with research, waiting to hear back from insurance. and hopefully seeing a surgeon soon. whoever is reading this, ill keep you updated. if no one reads it, well whatever. ill read it. haha. have a lovely night. and remember, take a deep breath and love yourself. <3