Me: Im sorry doctor u must have the wrong # Doc: Mrs. White, 07/15/83 Me: Yes Doc: yes maam, we have ur blood test results back & u r pregnant..whn was ur last cycle Me: 1 1/2 yrs ago...pregnant the doctors told me that I would NEVER be able 2 have kids again Doc: well God didnt see it that way, u need 2 make an appointment asap so we can see how far along u are, have a good day Mrs. White & Congratulations. I hung up that phone & I thought how can I bring another baby in2 all of this drama. So I went in the room & woke Josh up, I told him wht the doctor told me & this clown jumped up & said, "Ima be a daddy, I love u & we are going 2 make this work..this is our miracle baby!" I looked at him, I was very shocked because we were not in the best place in our marriage & foolish me thinkin maybe this will fix everything, I couldnt be more wrong. Went 2 the doctor & I was already 4months. A few weeks passed & I told my mom about it & she was not excited at all because she said if ur husband loved u he would provide for yall instead of sitting at home everyday waiting on u 2 do it, now here u are pregnant again, what are you going 2 do? I got so mad with her because I was thinkin, I need ur support not ur criticism but hey thats moma so I just said yes maam & we hung up. When I turned 2 months, the doctors diagnosed me as high risk & put me on complete bed rest, so of course that meant I had 2 stop working. Josh, not working as usual said, "maybe we should just move back home with our parents." I said, "if we do we wont make it, because my mom wont let u come 2 her house so we will be seperated" that was right up his alley 2 not have 2 be with his family & able 2 do whatever he wanted 2 do. Anyway, we moved..oh & his mom lived on the next street from my mom so it wasnt like we were far apart. When Josh moved in with his mom he got a job at an emergency shelter for runaway kids, 1 of my friends got him on up there. He started workin, so he had the car all the time & I was in my mother's dinning room sleeping on the couch EVERY night while he was "working". Well 1 day my friend called me & said, "I need 2 tell u something, Josh is tlking 2 1 of the women up here, I already told her that he was married but Im just giving u the heads up." Clearly, that is 1 of the most embarrassing things 2 hear from a friend & the bad part was u would think that since MY friend got him on that he would be on his best behavior since he knew me & her tlked ALL the time...smh. He barely came around 2 my moms house 2 see me & the baby, my moms dinning room is down stairs by the kitchen, when everybody was sleep I would cook meals for myself & go right back 2 that couch & cry myself 2 sleep EVERY night. I felt like he didnt really want this baby & it was causing more problems than we already had. 1 day I had a doctors appointment & I had 2 get an EKG & heart ultrasound...the technician asked me, "Mrs. White have u ever had a heart attack?" I said, "no! why?" He said u have scars on ur heart that shows signs of a heart attack they are called infarts" I said, "I dont think so, I never went 2 the hospital with that kinda problem" He said, Mrs. White I beleive u had a heart attack & didnt know it, u are only 24 yrs old this should not be on ur heart at all." I started 2 cry because he was right, I had taken so much pain, hurt, drama, lies, & STRESS from this marriage that it was literally killing me. A few months later, my family gave me a baby shower which Josh did not show up 2 because he said my family does not like him so why would he come & be all in their faces. I told him they dont like because of those reasons right there, keep in my I NEVER told anybody in my family about the cheating & fighting that went on all this time. After the baby shower, he told me he was tired of me whinning & complaining all the time & he was done with me. Of course being 8 months pregnant I was completely emotional & I begged him 2 stay with me atleast until after the baby was born & if he wanted 2 be done after that then fine, he agreed. The doctors, called me in 2 talk about delivery they told me that it was extremely risky 2 deliver me by c-section becuase I was so over weight & that none of the doctors would try 2 save me in an emergency situation & I was like so u would just let me die? She said, "ur just too big", that hurt me so bad & again I was thinking this baby is causing so many problems. On October 22, 2008 my mother's bday..my mom, Josh & I went 2 the hosptial for the c-section...he was acting so stupid, he didnt want 2 ride with my mom, he didnt sit with us when we got there, he kept leaving 2 go outside while we waited and of course my mom was pissed. Around 10 am they took me in the back 2 be preped & Josh came with, when the nurses left the room he reminded me that after I have the baby that we were done..I started crying & I just remember this feeling of failure & defeat all the things that I excepted thru this marriage & he's the 1 saying he's done with me. I was wheeled 2 the O.R. I had another healthy baby boy, but this time since I was so heavy the epidural didnt work so they put me 2 sleep. They tried so much medicine that it took me 6 hrs 2 wake up. Once I was in the room & the baby was there my mom said, "she was going home & takin my oldest son with her", I said, "ok see u later, I'm fine"...when she left, Josh started leaving the room like every hr, now for this c-section I got cut on top of my stomach so I could barely move. The baby started crying & I couldnt even get up 2 pick him up, so he cried unitl the nurse came in or until Josh decided 2 come back in the room. The last time Josh came back, he said, "I'm about 2 go, my ride out there 2 get me & I have 2 work 2night anyway so, call ur moma 2 come back up here cuz I'm out." I said, "who coming 2 get u" he said, "thats no longer ur business, its over." I said, "but Josh" he said, "man look I dont want 2 hear all that crying its over" & he left. The next few days in the hosp was so hard because I couldnt barely move but I pushed my way thru it so I could go home. On the last day, I called my mom & told her that we were being discharged & could she come get us, she said, "yes, I'm going 2 send Josh in my truck." I wanted 2 tell her about what happened but I kept it 2 myself as usual. He walked in the room about a hr later, he grabbed all the baby stuff & the baby, told me 2 come on & at the time I was walkin bent over with a pillow in front of me because I was hurting so bad. The nurse told him 2 push me in a wheel chair & he did, he pushed me 2 the car & didnt even help me get in. On the way home, I asked him 2 please dont hit the bumps hard because it hurts my stomach & he said, "stop being dramatic"..I knew then that this BOY never loved me. When we got 2 my moms house, I had 2 go upstairs so I could be in an actual bed with the baby plus I had a serious cut the couch wasnt good enough. My mom has 16 stairs & each stair I went up felt like I was being ripped apart, I cried like a baby tryin 2 make it up there & Josh just stood behind me like it he really didnt care. I got upstairs, sat on the bed he put the baby down & he left. I cried until I was out of tears 2 cry. I remember later that day, I was upstairs with the baby...my moma, sister, aunt were all down stairs & I tried 2 lay down, I had staples at the time...& I could not lay all the way down but I couldnt get back up...I was in so much pain, I knew I was about 2 die it hurt that bad. I couldnt scream so I called Josh, who is right around the corner & I asked him 2 please come help me he said," man why u called me, u need 2 call ur moma she there" & he hung up. I called my moma & she came 2 help me but I couldnt believe that he was really doing ME like this. He came 2 see the baby every now & then, he told me that he quit that job the night he left the hosp, I asked him why didnt u come back & he said for what? A few weeks past by & he came over 2 see us & he said, "we need 2 get out of our parents house & try 2 fix our marriage & if it doesnt work this time we need 2 just let it go for real", me with my stupid self..didnt think about how we both not working, didnt think about all the things he done 2 me up until this point & I said, "ok, I will find us a place this week." smh so stupid. We moved, & things were the EXACT same. I noticed that I wasnt as involved with the new baby as I was with my other son & actually I felt kinda funny around him...I didnt want 2 hold him, feed him, change his pamper..something was wrong. One night we went 2 an anniversary party at him moms house & it was a few ppl there, 2 girls walked in that I didnt know & they were there with his moms best friend...I didnt think anything of it. Well maybe a few weeks later, I seen a strange # in his phone so I called it & sure enough it was 1 of the girls from the party. So, after all of this we are back where we started again. Upon further investigation of his phone, I found out that he was bck talkin 2 Keisha a girl named Keturah & the girl from the party. I had enough yall this was so old. One night in the truck, I was in the back seat with the baby who was then 1 month & he was crying & crying & crying...I just opened the door, got out & started walkin the other way. Josh, drove behind me & told me 2 get in the car, I said, "I cant handle this, every since that baby was born its been problem after problem" but in reality there was ALWAYS problems I just somehow laid all the blame on that poor baby. My mom made me a doctors appointment & they diagnosed me with post partum depression & said, "I didnt need 2 be alone with the baby." We went back home & my moma told Josh, he said ok but that didnt stop him, he told me, "if I did anything 2 his baby he was going 2 kill me." A few weeks passed, & I was taking my cousin around 2 find apartments..while in the parking lot of Kroger's a guy came up 2 the truck & said, "hi beautiful, get a pen" I said, "for what?" he said, "so u can take down my #" I said, "excuse me, I'm married (so stupid)" he said, "ok im sorry but let me give u my # anyway in case u change ur mind" he wrote his # down on some paper & put it on the windsheild & he said, "talk 2 u later" I rolled my eyes & I was thinkin he sure is bold...lol. When my cousin came out of the store I asked her 2 get the # after I looked around 2 make sure he was gone..lol. I figured Im not goin 2 call him but I'll just hold on 2 it. 2 weeks later, I woke up in the middle of the night because the baby was crying. I called for Josh so he could get the baby but no answer back, I got up walked past the baby crying in the crib & looked around the house, there was no Josh. I got my phone 2 call him & it was 4 am, so I called him & he didnt answer, I called that phone about 15 times & finally he answer only 2 say 1 of his friends had a blow out so he went 2 help them bullshit. Anyway, I gave the baby a bottle & he come strolling in the house at 6...I was up gettin our son ready 4 school & as soon as he feel asleep, I was out the door. That day,I was at my moms house..she told me that she was goin somewhere & she wasnt taking my baby with her & that I needed 2 get over whatever was wrong with me & be that baby's mother then she left. While I sat there, I was looking thru my purse for something & came across the Kroger's dude #, during this time the baby started crying..I just looked at him for about 5 mins..then I picked him up & he looked at me with those big brown eyes & i feel in love with my baby...whatever was wrong with me was gone in an instant. I cried & held him so tight, I told him how sorry I was & that I promise 2 be his mother from now on. I couldnt believe that I let 2 months pass by & I didnt hold this baby, whip his tears, nothing..but whoever I was before just left at that moment. I picked up my phone & I called the Kroger's dude, it rung & rung then he answered & said," hello" I said, "hi" & he said, "I knew u would call!" TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my baby