I've bought all the shakes, chew-able vitamins, liquid vitamins, have gone for blood work, upper g.i. testing and started my prep diet without getting any final confirmation until this morning that next Friday at 10:30 I'm scheduled for my surgery. I keep thinking this isn't real. Part of me is scared to give up all of the foods and addictive behaviors that have gotten me to this point but another part of me is thinking this is a rebirth, a chance to learn how to do it all over again and do it right. I think the best advise I've gotten so far is my nutritionalist who tells me that I'm leaving an abusive relationship, one I have always given excuses to, have always forgiven only to be mistreated by it (she's deep).

All I know is I feel like a hypocrite trying to help my daughter when I can't help myself. I guess I don't have a choice, I want to be the best mom that I can be and I need to teach her what healthy is, what being strong is, and who I really am which isn't the person who always stands in the back of the pictures if I get in it at all, or the person who only wears black pants not because it's slimming but because color may draw more attention to me.