You know I usually have this wonderful idea of what I am going to write about, but not this time nope nothing, zero, zilch, zippo. This should be no surprise to me as this was also the weight loss I had recorded with me PCP this month on my second to last PCP visit, prior to submission to insurance. You know the appointment was great it was informative and my doctor is becoming my biggest advocate. I am so glad that I have such support from him. With all this happening, you would think that I would be getting excited about getting so close to my surgery date. Nope, still seems so far away that it isn't even real. I look at my calendar and I see all the days that need to pass and all I want to do is rip it up (but if I did that I wouldn't know where I had to be and when I had to be there!!). Everyone has their own reasons to do the surgery, their own motivation and their own goals. I was thinking about my goals, my motivations, and what will life be after this is all down. I have decided my goals are the non scale victories, those things that are taken for granted by so many without even thinking. I really don't care if my final weight is 150 of 170 or some other number, I just want to look good. To know that men and people are looking at me because I am beautiful not because I am a big woman. I just want one man to want me for me not for my appearance but you have to have appearance to attract men, I don't care what anyone says. It is all about first impressions, and I want those first impressions to be memorable because of who I am not what I am. I want to be able to walk into a store and try on a dress that is in the window and know they will have my size in that dress. Not some cotten stretch, print from a couch, frumpy fat lady dress. Just because I am large does not mean that I do not like to look good. And I do not care what anyone says just because it comes in your size (aka skinny jeans, spandex, short shorts, etc) doesn't mean you buy it or more importantly that you will look good. I would just like to be able to feel good about being me is that too much to ask? I am not sad I am not mad I am just tired, why can't people see past what we look like. I promise after I have had surgery and I am making my way towards my new beginning I will never ever forget what this feels like.

So basically, right now I am feeling life pass me by, I want to live my life and have someone live it with me where everyday is an adventure. I want to be involved to reach for and get that brass ring. I know there are a lot of people out there who know exactly what I am saying, so I won't go on.

Oh and no matter who small I get I will NEVER EVER buy anything at Abercrombie & Fitch, I hope they go bankrupt.