I don't have many pictures of me (not even face shots). I was looking to for one to post and I don't have any. I also haven't hung up any of my weddings photos -- you know the event that I paid a gazillion dollars for and hired a professional photographer. We don't even have any family photographs. My memories are filled with photos of the kids - none of me.

I've noted that I really am happy with who I am until I look in the mirror; then, I don't recognize the person staring back at me. Apart from my health issues, in my heart ... I don't feel that hugely fat. It's amazing how a layer of fat makes you look like a different person.

I'm tired of getting together at family gatherings and the topic of conversation is always losing weight and the pure shock at how much I've gained. Truthfully, sometimes I start that conversation because I feel defensive... Hey, you tend to develop a coping mechanism.

I want to live my life ... I don't want to feel like getting dressed is a chore. Going to the store and feeling like a failure because I can't find jeans that fit me right... Oh, the dreaded muffin top when I sit down. I swear it constricts my breathing. Ughh. On that note, I only have one pair of jeans that fit me right now. I also have a closet full of clothes that are way too small. I don't know why I keep them. I wear the same the same work clothes every week because I don't like to think about putting outfits together. I like the comfort of knowing exactly what I'm wearing ... to assure I have no disappointments.

This is all apart from knowing that if I continue on this path, I will develop more health issues related to weight.

Don't get me wrong, I have parts of my life that I'm very proud of -- career, family, etc.

I just want to live a longer and healthier (and more physical) life not being ashamed of how I look. I just want to be able to tie my shoe without getting winded. I just want to take a family photo and put it on the wall ...