"It ain't over till the fat lady sings"

So, I think I'll write a song about this struggle and drama and love/hate relationship with food and my experiences with being obese....errr, I'm FAT...then I'll sing it and it'll be OVER. Ha ha ha... well, maybe not.

Maybe I'll change the saying to "It ain't over till the fat lady sleeves!"

There are so many things I can't do, or choose not to do because of my weight. It's like a prison in ways (weighs)..and self-imposed sometimes, other times because of things I can't control.

Some things are just literally impossible to do. Like running, fitting into a roller coaster seat, etc. Other things I won't do because it embarrasses me to do it or I'm afraid of being judged (wearing shorts, having my picture taken) Silly and sad and vain at times, but true.

Singing is one of those things in my life that people say I should do more of. Why don't I?

It's because of my weight. I absolutely LOVE to sing, and I believe I'm pretty good at it. My husband even bought me a guitar last Christmas and I attempted to learn to play it three or four times till it made me cry trying to hold it and play it with nearly no lap and a belly that looks like I'm about 7 months pregnant. Then, of course, I feel guilty because it looks like I didn't totally adore him for buying it for me - he loves me to sing.

Of course, being overweight doesn't prevent me from singing, physically speaking, other than I seem to have more limits on my lung capacity. There is, however, the lack of energy, and being depressed about being unable to lose weight without WLS and be healthy and realizing how it affects my family and my goals and our future... all add up to mean I don't feel much like singing these days. I admit the way I look affects my self acceptance and esteem. What's there to sing about? Yeah, and the occasional pity party.

So, WLS is my "swan song"...lol. I'm gonna be the fat lady singing that my losing battle with FAT is OVER. I'm gonna use this WLS tool to kick the BUTT of obesity in my life!

And, this got me to thinking about all those "little things" and "big things" I will be so very happy to do again, or things that will be different (in a good way), whether it's because of the physical limits, or because I choose not to because of my weight and size and my feelings of guilt and frustration for not keeping myself healthy and fit.

So, the parts of my life or things that will change or improve when I am at my healthy goal weight --- (from 295 to 150-ish)

Energy - Hugs - Clothing - Shoes - Less pain - Marriage - Travel - Sleep - Pictures - Singing - Swelling - Exercise - Activities - Social life - Family get-togethers - Summertime - well, here's some detail...in no particular order and by no means complete:

1. I can walk into a "normal people" department store and find a cute dress that fits me. How happy I will feel... because I will always remember what it was like before, at 300 lbs....

(No more crying in the dressing room, I have to get a bigger size? good grief, how hard it is to

move around just to change clothes because I'm sweating and it's a small space and the mirror

is mean to me.)

2. I can wear cute shoes. I can wear strappy sandals. I can wear heels. I can put shoes on without holding my breath.

(No more "supportive" shoes for plantar faciitis-hopefully, so no more heel pain and knee pain,

hip pain that presently prevent the heels and cute shoes I want to wear)

3. I can sleep.. fall asleep for a nap anywhere... spend the night anywhere. Sleep will be good.

(No more CPAP needed. Sleep Apnea cured.)

4. Climb stairs, walk fast, walk all day shopping

(No more getting totally out of breath to the point I black out or wheezing like I am dying)

5. Fit in things/seats.... - be it plane, train, roller coaster... or restaurant booth, movie theater, desk chair, swing, stadium seat.

(No more fear of breaking a chair, not fitting and being told I'm too heavy, no more pain in chairs

that are not big enough for me, no fear of the terribly judgmental looks from passengers on a

plane or train as they see me get on - hoping I'm not sitting next to them...uugghh)

6. ENERGY ... Oh my, that one applies to so many areas - or every area of life.

7. Sex ... I'll leave the details unsaid - but this is a priority. It's gonna be better than my present weight allows it to be.

8. Mom & Grandmother things - My grown children are close to marrying age and in serious relationships which means upcoming weddings and not too many years till they'll be having kids, too. The thought of being healthy, energetic and active for the future is great motivation here too.

9. Long life - My husband and I have been married three years this July. It's not our first go-around, and we have a LOT of things to enjoy as we grow together and we want a long, enjoyable future - not one filled with pain, health problems and limitations.

10. I'll SING - I have committed to pursue this talent in a way that will be personally fulfilling and hopefully inspirational. It's not that I can't sing now, while I'm overweight... but I feel as though losing my excess weight will be like a curtain lifting to reveal the "me" I've been all along, but finally I admitted needing help to find again.

So many more... but for now, that's what I'll remind myself of today. This is why the surgery will be worth it. The pain, the challenge, the new habits, the struggles, the day to day choices, the realization and commitment to the lifestyle changes, and the milestones that may come slowly.

Flutterby (it's gotta be what butterflies were really called first... there it goes, fluttering by) and I'm coming out of this cocoon too... soon!