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Will my marriage survive?

BigDaddyJoe

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My wife is scheduled to be sleeved in April, so she is a month behind me. She seems convinced that our marriage is going to be affected by our weight loss. We've seen people's personalities change as a result of weight loss surgery, and we've even seen it destroy a couple marriages. In each of those cases, it was only one person who had the surgery, and their newfound confidence from their new bodies led to them going out with friends more often, and tore the marriages apart.

My wife and I have been married for almost 13 years now, and together for 17. We have three amazing children. We've endured some crap in those 17 years, and nothing has torn us apart to this point. I don't see it being an issue, and was surprised when she would keep bringing it up. But I'm afraid that she is so convinced of it, and is looking for any tiny change in my personality as proof, that it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

We were both skinny when we met, right around our goal weights we'd like to achieve now. She was always insecure back then, even though she is a gorgeous woman and I'm the one who had reasons to be insecure. In a way, I was relieved to be heavy, because no one would want me, so her insecurity and jealousy basically went away.

She has already pointed to a couple of things since surgery (just 8 days ago!) that she says are evidence of me 'changing'. The first is that she said that she "didn't feel the love" when she was there for me in the hospital. I'm not sure what she was expecting - the first day I felt like I was going to die, and wanted nothing but to sleep. The second thing is that I've said (apparently too many times) that she'll "understand soon". It is just that it is hard for me to verbalize all the things I'm going through, and I meant that she will understand it when she has her surgery. I meant it as a positive thing, that we would have shared experiences and be able to discuss them. I guess I didn't articulate it how it sounded in my head, and it just ended up annoying her and pissing her off. So I've been careful to avoid saying anything like that again. Also compounding things is the fact that I was more comfortable sleeping sitting up on the couch with my feet up on the ottoman. I have yet to make it a full night in our bed. I tell her it's not her, I just find it easier to sleep that way for now. Also compounding things is my lack of energy and irritability from the extremely low caloric intake.

I hope that her negativity doesn't doom us. If I'm only 8 days out and we're having issues like this already, are we in trouble? Only time will tell, I suppose. But I sure hope not. I love her more than anything, and wouldn't ever want our children to suffer.

 



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Sounds like she is freaking out because your loosing weight and might become attractive to the other sex. When I would loose weight in the past prior to surgery My husband would try to sabatough my efforts by buying pans of sweets and bring them home. On the other hand I would get jelous when he would lose weight and pick fights for no reason!

My suggestion is to Grab her by both arms look her deep in her eyes and tell her that no matter how much I change on the out side I will always love you . You and Our children are the most important thing in my life! even though she already knows that verbalizing it will make her feel secure. This is what made me toss my insecurity out the window and bring me back down to reality. I have been mariied for 10 years and have 3 children. Me and my husband have also been to hell and back but have made through and are stronger. Try to stay positive and let her know how feel. It is very difficult as the sleever not to get deppressed over everything happening in your body during the first month. Tell her that you need her to support you through this difficult time and tell her you love her :) Hang in there you will both do great and there is nothing that will pull you apart! This surgery will bring you closer to one another once all the weight starts to shed :)

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Try to be as positive & reassuring as your can with your wife. Let her know that you are in this together! Remember, you are both going through a lot of changes which comes with a good amount of stress. You are both losing weight to be more active & healthy. It will give both of you a more active lifestyle so you can enjoy your children and improve your family life. If possible, try to do some marriage counseling. Good luck.....

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I was accused of "changing" within my first week post-op as well. I think the shift where I always put others first to ME first was what was being detected. I was shocked, but thought about it and agreed. "Yes, yes I've changed...for the better and you are going to have a happier, much healthier partner as a result." You two will have the advantage of having a similar experience and goal, but you'll need to be prepared for the "now what?" moment when you are both at goal. Btw, we are doing great 10 weeks and my partner is "feeling the love" a lot right now...if you know what I mean? ;-)

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We've been married 43 years, with 3 grown children and 4 grandchildren. He's seen the struggles before I had surgery and now still 4 months out. We are in this for the long haul and we both know that already I can do things that I couldn't do before the surgery.

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I think all of our partners become insecure even more so if they are insecure to begin with. My hubby has made a few comments as well about me changing. Oh well! At this point i really hope he will see that i am still the same person that i was pre-op except i eat alot less. And you are right in a few weeks when she has surgery she will completely understand exactly how you are feeling!

Hope things get better!

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My husband is getting this surgery and I have all these fears. I hope I dont run into these issues. He is already handsome, loves to spend money and have fun. We are at the 10 year mark so Im sure he is getting bored. We have 7 and 9 yo boys and it would kill me to lose him.

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